ASUU STRIKE DAY 364B—A SATIRE [SEQUEL TO ASUU STRIKE DAY 364] ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYONE, DEAD OR UNDEAD IS A MIRACLE. ALL INCIDENTS, PAST PRESENT OR FUTURE ARE PURELY FICTIONAL OR PROPHETIC COINCIDENCE. [This Piece is dedicated to My SHORT HANDED LOVER] [The Asho Ville Chief Imam and Pastor Orits [CAN President] have been contacted via separate lines and thoroughly briefed on the troubles of the rich befalling the President. However all efforts to get Dibia Afam have failed, since no service provider has been able to install service station in the forest of a thousand Daemons. Restless President has cancelled his schedule for the day] “Gring ring gring ring” [He Ignores the call] “Gring ring gring ring” [Phone call accompanied with a knock on the door] “Caro, why the disturbance, I told you I don’t want any form of disturbance at all” “Sorry Sir, I thought you would like to hear this sir” “I don’t want to hear anything, nothing at all, no one at all, no one is that important to disturb me now” “Sir its Dibia Afam for you on Line 6” “Eh, Dibia Afam” [Jumps out of Bed to pick the call, as Caro walks back downstairs mimicking The GCFR] “I don’t want to hear anything, nothing at all, no one at all, no one is that important to disturb me now, oga no wan die, see as he jump comot for bed” [Dibia Afam, a 41 year old man who inherited his influence from his late father, converses with Presido] “The True son of Otu-Oky, the living Legend of his small people, the warrior who conquers the enemy with his gentility, good morning my GCFR” “Good Afternoon Afamefune, its afternoon already, where have you been, I have tried to reach you ever since, I couldn’t sleep all night, hoping to hear from you” “My GCFR, since I have been pleading with you to bring at least one service providing mast to the Forest of a thousand Daemons, so I would also be online while consulting the gods, you refused and your people are busy, planting churches like maize in churchly overpopulated places, calling it donation.” “Okay, Afam, don’t worry, we would make sure one of the service providers bring one as CSR Christmas Hamper to the forest” “Which one be CSR again?” “Civil Social Responsibility, don’t bother yourself about what it means, we would just get it done” “Okay o, the reason why I called, the gods spoke about the ascension of someone within your quarters and said we should do some things, if we must avert it” “Exactly why we wanted to call you o, its this ASU people o, I offered them 1.1 Trn, hoping they would resume, they didn’t o, I am just fed up, they have fasted and Pray for 7 days and want me out of office…Afam, help me o” “What about your religious leaders in your high place, the Church People and the Imams?” “I have consulted them and they have asked me to do the impossible, they said I should fast and pray for 91days. How does a President do that? All the meetings in China, Brazil, Switzerland and even US, I would not eat all those tantalizing meals?” “Ah…Am afraid that was exactly what the gods said” “Ah…Afamefune, the son of Ekekwe, is this how you would watch me die? Even if I don’t die by the means this people want, wouldn’t I die from fasting for 91days?” “True son Of Out-Oky, you can trust that I found a way out” “Son of Ekwekwe, I know you always do [Huge sigh of relief], what is the way out?” “The way out is for you to…” [Phone beeps battery empty as Dibia Afam’s phone dies] “Hello, Hello, Hello…let me call him back, I even forgot totally to tell him to hang up and let me do the calling, he must have gone out of call card, he is just too adamant refusing the post paid system” [President Lucky calls back, service provider Auto receiver answers] “The number you have called does not exist” “Ah does not what? What sought of service providers did Baba Iyabo admit to this Domain” [Tries over and over again and it’s the same result] “Caro. Caroline. Ca” “My Lord” “Tell Ruby to address the senators, tell NSA to prepare a manifest, we are flying to Otu-Oky” [Around the premises of the red-Chambers, Senators of a particular political party discussing, Senator Ibadan is the lead discussant] “Did you guys get the President’s message from Ruby?” “Who is Ruby” “Ah ha, Rubell Akati” “Oh oh, you would have just said editor, we would have understood sharp sharp” “Yes o, I got the message o, that we should meet SU Presidents in our states and give them some ‘change’ tomorrow, I have to return to Ogun today o” “Not only you, we all have to go back home” [Somewhere in Oyo state] “Gring ring, gringggg ringgg ringgg” “Hello” “Hello bawoni, I am Senator Teslim Ibadan, am I speaking to the SU President?” “Yes Sir” “My President, I have good news for you” “Am all ears sir” “Please gather as much students as you can, lets meet by 10am tomorrow at First Hotel Banquet Hall, I am celebrating my Birthday with a lecture and I should be giving out buses for as many schools that attend and some 2million to the student leaders present, please make sure you make it, we are counting on you…odabo” [Senator Ibadan Hangs up as the SU President begins to brainstorm] “Omo mehn, two million for student leaders at 10am, leaving for Abuja at 5am, would I now cancel the Abuja trip? No never…But wait o…What if we go to Abuja and other schools stay back to eat National Akara? What do we do?!” To be continued…The story Never ends… READERS DISCRETION IS GROSSLY ADVISED! TIJANI, OLUWAMAYOWA
Posted on: Sat, 09 Nov 2013 23:21:48 +0000
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