Absolute honesty alert!!! Hey Facebook folks, I hope youre well. Ive not been on FB for a while to comment or update my status but today is my day off, so I can afford a few minutes of reflection. I have dedicated much of the past year to attaining some of those harder to reach, inner goals and aspired to change my life and attitude especially around my nearest and dearest. There is no question of my love for my family. I had felt nothing like it before and I am still overwhelmed everyday by just how different and unfulfilled my life would be without them in it. Marcia is a wonderful human being who cares too much about too much, if thats possible. I know she is a blessing to all her friends and family and I would hope they realise this and tell her as often as I do. As for Gwendoline. Wow, what a star. She may not be the sharpest knife in the draw but she is bright, enthusiastic, charming and has a real talent for making people smile.....not in a clown way, but in a melt your heart, adorable way.......Well, most of the time! She exudes confidence and has a great imagination. What more could you ask of a 5 1/2 year old? She makes me so very proud and what a joy it is to be watching her grow up, although a little fast, and real honour to be supporting her and steering her young life down what hopefully turn out to be the right avenues. Time will tell, I guess. Then theres my dear old Ma. Ive tried to be the best son for 40 odd years and truth be known, Ive fallen well short at times. As a seriel under-achiever with a history of not quite getting it done my potential and ability, in many things, have well out weighed the outcomes, achievements and successes that they could have manifested. I am aware that many people look at my life and say well you did this, or that and thats amazing, and from the outside some of these things seem like real achievements. However, I, and only I, know how much I applied myself, what percentage of effort I made to succeed or be the very best and I will always know that I could have tried harder. There was juice left in the tank and I could have pushed on and kicked forward a little more. So this lifetime of doing things and chasing dreams, whilst honest in intention and perceived as noble can be chalked up personally, so far, as a pretty poor show. How does that effect my Mother? Well theres a thing. My Dad passed away last year and I never felt I made him truly proud. I know he loved me in the purest way, without question. Did he support me in everything I did? Yes. Did he sacrifice his own self to buy me basketball boots, pay for basketball camps, drive me around in the day to sports matches and gigs when he should have been sleeping (He worked 5 nights a week for 22 years)? Yes he did. He also let me make my own mistakes even though it hurt him so to see me travel down fruitless path after fruitless path. His words were wise and his look, often etched with disapproval, was still one of adoration and one Ill not forget. Im so very grateful for the chance I had to kiss him on the head and tell him that I loved him the night before he died. Whats more is that I took that chance, not knowing it would be my last chance to see him alive. Was he proud or disappointed? Ill never know. So whilst it sounds a little morose and selfish, I dont want to be left with that unanswerable question, a second time, when my wonderful Mother departs. There were so many reminders over the last year about the fragility of life and I have seen and heard stories that have just broken my heart in two. So whats to do? Well, more by luck than judgement my life thus far has been a charmed one , full of opportunities. Some taken, some left unexplored. There has been some real unpleasantness in there too, but I have always recognised the part I played in bringing it on so I have never dwelt on it and have mostly moved forward.... Though I do carry a tremendous amount of guilt around with me for letting myself, friends and family down by dropping my own standards far below what Id expect of myself and that the people around me were entitled to expect of me too. I guess this is the very definition of a mid life crisis! There are things now that I have realised I will never be able to achieve, chances that have been and gone. Are these then regrets? Or are they the fuel for the second half (not guaranteed by any stretch) of my life? Will they spur me on to seize the day, live each day like its my last and grab the new opportunities that come my way. Embrace what I have and celebrate the talents and blessings Ive been given and afford them 100% of my efforts? Lets hope so. As I said at the start of this, what is now an epic post, the past year has been about me confronting demons, dealing with my burden of guilt and addressing the issues that turned a once happy-go-lucky, fit and handsome young man, with passion and answers into a being who strove daily to please and help others. A man of empathy and compassion but one who simply could not love or respect himself. This is the dark space from where I have been destined to fail or fall short, over and over. The constant feeling of not deserving success or love is at the root of all my woes. Most of all my obesity and general health. Having found, on the outside, absolute happiness but to not be able to embrace and accept it is a terrible thing. To be surrounded by the unwaivering love of a family and to not understand how or why is torture in itself. Last year, shortly after my Dad died I visited the doctor for a recurring problem with my feet. I was convinced it was weight related but he assured me it wasnt. Whilst I was there he asked me to hop on the scales. It was those with the sliding weights. Shamefully, the scales wouldnt even tip. They only went to 25 stone. This was a real moment of realisation. Whilst Id got away with acceptable (and surprisingly good results) for my blood pressure, cholesterol and no diabetes.....my whole being was a time bomb of ill heath and compromised living. How could I have done this to myself? Moreover, what about the people I love. Marcia, Gwendoline and everyone else who was watching me and worrying about me treading this self destructive course.....I was dragging them down with me. Oh, the shame. This was caused by pure gluttony and that inner self loathing. Plain and simply something had to give and I had to make sure it wasnt my heart. From that day forth I ate well, drank only water and got my weight down to 23st 11lbs by Christmas. I dont know how much heavier than 25 stone I was, I guess I was afraid to find out, but it took me about two months to register on my mums scales. Id have thought I was closer to 27 stone. Well over twice the size I was at 25 years. Anyway, I stopped doing photography as I didnt want to just go through the motions here in Guernsey. Some of you may recall we were relocating to Wales on the day my Dad passed away and we had many aspirations for my wildlife photography there. I already knew that a fitter more agile me would make a much better photographer in 2015, and one who would find new enthusiasm and inspiration by just getting out and about and seeing it all with fresh eyes. This gave me the time to dedicate to my family and to work as I thought I might aswell fix everything. Our finances and the mental turmoil and pressure that it brought to family life needed to be redressed as did the habits and routines that were steeped in unhealthy pursuits. So, (I nearly wrote, to cut a long story short, then.....Hardly!) anyway, towards the end of last year I enrolled on Gary Hooks Current Settings course to start on 1st January 2015. I had seen the evidence of real physical transformations and read also about the lifestyle changes that I so longed for.....So that was a no brainer and started in conjunction with another new beginning. A promotion at work which has brought a new purpose and vigour to the year and so far has been a challenge but a good one. It gives me an opportunity to change, shape and brighten the future for everyone involved.....including me! The course is going well and the daily guidance of a true expert can not be underestimated. For the first time in such a very long time do I feel like I am achieving...winning even. And that, right there, is the hardest thing for me to write for it comes with a sense of deserving. I know I am giving my all and I can proudly say I am earning this. Whilst I have set myself personal goals, I have already noticed the change in my family and bless them, they genuinely want me to be happy and healthy for as long as possible. In Colombo like fashion......Ahh, Just one more thing. I played Basketball last night with my second division team. I absolutely loved it. The first time I have actually enjoyed playing the game I love, without the burden of expectation....ever! I have set myself goals in this arena too......Smashed the first one, though. TO ENJOY IT! I guess theres not many people still reading.....if you are, well done and take care of yourselves and each other and whatever youre striving for or battling with a great place to start is accepting the journey youve travelled and respecting yourself for still wanting to change it. CB x
Posted on: Thu, 22 Jan 2015 12:14:27 +0000
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