Achievements for today: Judging by the chronic state of my panic attacks today, i was lucky to pull through and come out unscathed. Im not sure what they are all about, maybe a residual of letting go and trying to get well, or maybe like i posted yesterday that i have a lot to be anxious about, awaiting the news of my course application, a hotel trip away and a forthcoming wedding. But why such intense feelings, i should be able to take this in my stride, not cripple myself with so much anxiety that i become frightened to move or leave the house. But saying that i rose above it, breathed my way through, got the food down and ploughed myself into my work, trying to distract myself from the unsettling feelings. I had a testing moment when i thought i might have to cancel an afternoon with a friend, on account of being scared to go into London. I know, this is crazy, i used to go into London every day, its not something that usually worries me, im fine with crowds and bustling central or west London, ok the east is not my forte but well we all have our safe neighbourhoods. I think i will always be a west London girl, it just feels safer to me but anyhow this is going off the point. Back to the anxiety and meeting my friend. So i didnt back out as that wouldnt have been the answer and it wouldnt have been nice to let down my friend last minute. But im glad i went, as as soon as i met Claire my fears subsided, i was engaged in the conversation and having some company was just what i needed to drown ED out. Not enough to completely rid me of the voices however, youre not being active enough, you will gain weight by not continually moving. I found it hard to absorb myself completely in the Virginia Woolf exhibition, the words wouldnt go in and this frustrated me, i thought my concentration had improved but this was hard going. I was able to relax a bit when we looked in the shops, immersing myself in clothes, does wonders for my mood and i had a eureka moment discovering a garment to feature on my Style me Serenity page. I am however finding that i am clocking up the amount of time im spending sitting and moving, trying to gain control by equating my days of calories burnt through energy consumed. This isnt good and will get me nowhere, just make me worry more on the days when im not doing as much. I think its cos i used to restrict my food depending on how much exercise i had or had not done. But now i am eating regardless but i have to cope with the anxiety and guilt from not being able to use a behaviour to silence it. I feel like i havent done much work today as i havent much to show for it, all the hours sat on my bum this morning and this evening but where is it? But then i have to remind myself that i may not have anything visual to show but research takes time and anyhow too much work makes Charlotte a dull girl right? Thats what im trying to tell myself anyway. I was touched to hear today a positive comment in that i had a way with words. That was nice to hear, especially as i had been worried how i was coming across on my page. It was also nice to chat through some of the ill-feelings i have experienced due to a comment that had been posted to my page, that left me feeling that i wasnt working hard enough, putting on enough weight and thus letting my followers down, but Claire helped to lessen my worries and made me feel like all is well again. Its really hard to be kind to myself this evening and give myself a break from work, well im still doing stuff but leaving unfinished the work i had been doing. Thats hard to leave a job undone but something i am challenging as a means to be well and not burn out. For i needed to prioritise my food and everything else must come secondary. Hard when youve spent a lifetime doing it the other way around however. It was a battle having my food today, but its gone in, albeit in bits. I plucked up the courage to have my banana whilst out and to have the apple on the train home. That was hard but i thought no i wont give in. I have though had a further battle with the rice and unfortunately wasnt able to increase it by 10g. Too many rules and restrictions plaguing my head, i know to get well i need to throw out the metaphorical rule book, it will continually put up barriers if i dont. This is what im really struggling with at the moment. How do you change a habit of a lifetime? Ive been told to up my portion sizes but its all worked out calorifically and in some warped way convinces me it is safer to eat. I guess it comes back to control and i know i have to in effect lose control to gain control. That i need to strengthen healthy Charlotte and that comes through challenging my ill thinking. But well that needs further consideration so i shall leave it there and give myself something to think on. +ve thought: movement no matter how small is progress, small daily changes make big long term results.
Posted on: Wed, 20 Aug 2014 22:08:28 +0000
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