Achievements for today: Well ive sat and ive sat some more, it hasnt been easy by any means and thats why i keep harping on about it, but as you keep reminding me if it were easy it wouldnt be worth doing and wouldnt be the challenge it is. I have achieved mountains this week in terms of my sitting, even better than last week and a mile from what i was doing a few weeks previous. I do find this quite disconcerting when i think of it as my anxiety is that im lazy, ill become a housebound hermit, that im allowing the weight to go on, that i will eat if i am stuck in too long, ill lose my muscle, it goes on... I dont know really how to overcome this fear that i feel, i get myself really worked up and where the intention is to sit down and work i find my mind wandering and i cant concentrate and im just counting the hours till i have to do the next meal, get through that agony and then i can go to bed. Im not sure if its because i am working so hard on both my head and my work that i feel so tired, or perhaps its the dark evenings and mornings, or is it the fact that when you stop being on the go all the time that you really notice how tired you actually are. Im not sure but i feel i could sleep all day but then maybe this is brain drain or the late nights. I dont really know. But moving back to today i met a friend for morning tea at Costa which was a new thing for me and yes it did challenge my head sitting having done no walking (i drove), but it was packed out and i found this quite bizarre that 20 million other people decided to go for a drink at 10 in the morning. But all the same it was a lovely meet up talking makeup and websites and really lifted me up cos i was kindly offered help to build a website and this excites me beyond belief. I am so grateful as its been tying me in knots and i didnt know what i was going to do. Im hoping i will be able to do something good and that im proud of, i am starting to get worried that i will get really disappointed if its not as i imagined but then i guess ill have to wait and see what we can come up with. In the meantime i need to thrash out my draft content so im prepared. This will be a bit of a mission especially as im juggling all sorts. I cant believe the fact that ive been sat working all afternoon and evening and yet i am still on the same exercise of the workbook How is this? did i not work hard enough or did i just underestimate how long it would take me to do competitor analysis? Either way i feel frustrated cos despite telling myself the fact i stayed in when i had planned to go to London and then to kingston, before challenging myself even further and forcing myself to stay in and work. I dont have any money, like nothing i am way in debt, and this also is really anxiety provoking, so to force myself out of temptations way can only be a good thing too. I am getting quite excited about my new business venture, i feel that although ive so much work to do and so little time, i now have a focus and now its just a matter of bringing it all together and trying my hardest to not let ed or self doubt get in the way. There have been a few things i have done today too in that i managed to put a little more milk on my weetabix this morning and im slowly incrementing the evening milk though this is a real sticking point and im wondering if i will ever be able to get it up. I also gained weight and hit a sticky number and this has been really hard and although everyone keeps telling me ive an awful long way to go and much more to put on, even small gains are hard in themselves. I just wish i could let go enough to eat a bit more, to do things like have all the milk, put some in my tea, put on the weight and start living the life that i crave so much. I cant live with this daily torture for much longer i really cant i want to be well, i want to be able to make the necessary next step but im feeling scared... Gratitudes for today: - Margaret you are a diamond, thank you for your offer of help with the website you really have made my day and thanks for the makeup too. - Im grateful to James, Claire, Jem and Gem, charlotte, the list goes on - thank you to you all for keeping me strong today and being my rational mind when mines taken a vacation. - Im grateful to all those following me on Facebook and twitter, i may need your help on the latter however as im new to all this tweet lark x
Posted on: Sun, 16 Nov 2014 00:03:17 +0000
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