Achievements for today: What happened to the early night? Oh dear, well it is Friday night after all but then saying that i have been plugglng away on my Serenity page and so not exactly the wild night out others may be having, especially as ive just put the milk on to boil, now where are those slippers. I need to be up early tomorrow as i have a wedding makeup to do at the Mandarin Oriental hotel in Knightsbridge for one of my bestest friends. Shes going to look gorgeous, shes a real beauty, (not my makeup) and im so proud of her and all that shes conquered and achieved. She so deserves much happiness and i feel blessed to have been a part of the preparations for her big day and see her being given away. Its times like these when i think this is why i have to get better, there is more to life than the misery of ED and his wicked ways. A life of happiness, joy and laughter, success and fond memories of sunshine holidays and dancing with friends and my very own prince charming and bubba too. Just wish it were a little easier however, and today i have been freaking out about tomorrow, the makeup and the day itself, not to mention my general state of mind which has been somewhat of a chaotic nightmare this week, reasons being i dont know. My anxiety has been rocketing and it made me think this afternoon of all the stressful times in my life where the only way i could cope was to cut off, cocoon myself into a false sense of security that is the shell of anorexia. When things feel completely out of control, ED rears his ugly head and i gain control in other ways notably restriction and over exercise, driving my weight down to the point i stop feeling and things feel more in my control. But the thing is it doesnt stop there, gets dangerously out of hand, when markers are moved and suddenly im not in control anymore. So there it is, my tried and tested means of coping with stressful situations is something i currently cannot use, so its not surprising that when i have stressful events, my course, the wedding etc. im left in a state of panic and with no healthy coping strategy i go into meltdown and want ED back to sort it all out. I wonder if any of you have healthy coping strategies that work for you that i could use as im sure there will be many more times ahead when things get stressful and my only means of coping would be to turn to ED. I would be very grateful of any help as i asked the consultant and her response was have you tried medication? Maybe a sedative. Why is it that a doctors solution to any problem is to fix it with pills? I said im already prescribed diazepam, which i dont take cause i dont want to get addicted, nor do i wish to have more things mess with my mind, im already on anti-depressants and all manner of pills. You can literally rattle me. So back to today, like i said things have been getting quite difficult in my head, the panic attacks have been rife and though i have tried to remain positive and stick to plan (its 11 days done now), tell myself everything will be ok and carry on, it has been difficult and many a time ive felt like giving in, surrendering to the fight and letting ED win. But i know ive also come this far, i cant go backwards, what would the point in all this pain be for and anyhow it doesnt solve everything, its merely a buffer for the feelings and only a temporary solution. Also i have too much to live for, ive got my course ahead of me for one and all the good things i listed above that i wish my life to contain. Surely thats got to be worth fighting for. I have had my calcium tablets today - popped 2 down with breakfast, i changed to a tasteless brand with no junk just whats needed, it was hard but i have to think of my bones and the thought of not being able to exercise, do my beloved yoga or have kids powered me to take it. I think i did the right thing to get a new pill with no associations, i couldnt have done the old one, too many behaviours associated with it. So my main achievements today besides eating my food and sitting down is to get myself together for tomorrow, organise my kit and make sure my dress was ironed and my accessories laid out ready for my 6am start. Yikes! I am worried about breakfast, having to have it early, it always throws me going off time, im not hungry that early and it throws out my day. I think tomorrow will be tricky in that ill have to juggle my food around, equate different bits to parts of my existing plan and just do my best to get it all in and have the bits i can of my plan when i can. i.e. ive packed my cereal bar and fruit for mid morning, rich tea to have on the way home and i aim to have my milk when i get back. Thatt the plan anyway. God my back is really killing me, this isnt good i cant have a night awake in pain. Im worried cos its a three course meal tomorrow and where i challenged myself to have starter and main in chester and forgo pudding that was hard enough. I hadnt had a starter before so the soup was a new thing. But i coped and this makes me feel better about doing the starter tomorrow. I wouldve just declined either the pudding or starter but my friend has gone to the trouble of ordering me a fruit salad that i feel bad if i dont have it and anyhow im telling myself that this can be my afternoon fruit. I also am worried cos i dont know anyone and so im gonna feel a bit on a lim and though i didnt know anyone at chester neither, nor did anyone else so we were all in the same position. Well theres nothing i can do but pull the norma no mates card and hope that someone takes pity on me and lets me tag along. Just got to be my happy, cheery self and try to fit in. Right its 1am and i really need to get sleep so i may have to some rest, sorry peeps.
Posted on: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 00:17:24 +0000
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