Achievements for yesterday: (bit late sorry) This is just a quick summary for all those whove asked how it went (thanku for asking) but ill write more when theres more time tonight. So as you know it was a big day for me, not only did i have the brides makeup to do but also the 3 course meal and not knowing anyone, a hugely daunting prospect. It was an early start, which meant breakfast had to be really early when i was screaming after a rise on the scales and the fact that i was full to the brim and not in the slightest bit hungry. But i powered on, ate the planned food tick tick, and got myself on the 8 oclock train to London and successfully navigated me way to the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in Knightsbridge. A grand, beautiful stunning hotel that reminded me of something out of Pretty Woman, without my Richard Gere alas, not the dress and jewels. But wow the room was stunning, i felt out of place, especially having poured myself a cup of tea not thinking that being a posh hotel it would need a strainer and ended up with a cup of leaves (whoops! you learn). The hair stylist was mid quiffing Charlottes hair so i got to work on the bridesmaid (which was a daunting prospect having never expected to do Natalie as well and thus was ill prepared), but fear not it all went ok (bar the drop of my mirror however which smashed into smithereens - bad luck? i hope not). But i took it in my stride and got on with the beautiful bride, makeup done with Tania going to the toilet in the bathroom at the same time (pleased to meet you, nice to know were all such good friends now that we feel comfortable to do this - LOL). So i need not have worried with regards to the people, lots of Charlottes friends took me under their wing and i am extremely grateful for such kindness. It was extremely different, strange, unfamiliar, i dont know what the word for it would be to be amongst so many people that were all battling their own demons, some same as me but mostly different addictions, but what was not expected was everyone to be so open, which was nice and refreshing but there was a huge part of me that craved to just be able to hide away and bless them for being so thoughtful but everyone wanted to fix me and by the end of the night i was feeling a little exhausted from having laid my heart on the line and exposed myself to all these strangers. But what struck me most and something i found was so difficult was the fact that everyone knew my battles beforehand that they could see it by looking at me (when i see myself as so fat this is hard to get my head round) but saying that i equally felt extremely ugly, dissatisfied and craving to look like all the beautiful women that were there with slim but curvy figures and left me so jealous and really upset me - i just so wish i could just put on the weight i really do, i hate how i look and it did shock me seeing a video of myself that someone took of the throwing of the bouquet. I look really ill and thats hard to see. Yet why do i then knowing this feel so guilty for having had an apple and rich teas on the way home and then having my milk once back. Surely every calorie is needed and when i weighed myself this morning why was i disappointed i hadnt lost weight, this is crazy and really upsets me. You may be thinking how was the meal, i got through it, but it plagued my mind all day and night and still does this morning, scouring the internet in a desperate hope to find out how many calories i had eaten in all these unknown foods. Charlotte had kindly asked for fish without the batter and a fruit salad for pudding for me, and asparagus without the bacon and the kind lady sat next to me ate my starter parmesan crusted egg and i just had the asparagus and salad which was dusted in a powder that left me shaking as i dont know what it was but i ate it and the asparagus, i have to add this was new to me and i didnt like it - well its good to try these things and i still ate it bar one bit so i did well especially as chester was the first time id had a starter and never before would i have had a starter if i hadnt of had that experience beforehand of having survived. I was extremely anxious that the whole meal would be doused in oil or sauce but i skirted round the bits i couldt do, the fish kindly came with skin (yikes) but the actual fish was plain and i pray unfried but i dont think it was. But all throughout the meal people were saying how big the plates were and the food and i mustve eaten more than anyone else which left me feeling id done the wrong thing, yet i forgoed the canopes so i have to remember that. I ate a huge mound of courgette ribbons which were super nice (must take note) and a tomatoey sauce which i learnt was chilli jam, had i known i probably wouldnt have eaten it but i did and it was nice. I am worried about how the courgettes were cooked and i pray they didnt have oil on them. I tried the mash and did make a stab, but it wasnt very nice and i feel awful for saying i liked this i didnt like that, it feels wrong and i feel guilty to Charlotte as she paid for all this and it did look so so pretty and this made it a little easier. The fruit salad which the gorgeous wee child on our table equally had, was huge ive never seen such a big bowl, i didnt know how much to eat so i had it all telling myself this equated to my afternoon fruit (this process i had to keep repeating to myself this equates to this and that etc to keep in control). It had pineapple (scary) blackberries, kiwis and all sorts it was really nice and unknown and something i would really like to try again - maybe i could make my own. But now im all consumed with the fact that i had eaten it all and sat all day long and this is really scaring me. Oh god. But i did it, it was hard to be told as i left how someone had been sick after it as it was too much and this made me feel awful especially as i then ate food on the way home. Its been a really challenging day and i feel bad even for having all my breakfast and snack this morning (im determined to stick to plan and pick up where i left on Friday in my quest to keep to plan everyday) But this is really hard. I feel guilty for sitting now all morning when i should be cleaning so i need to stop for now. But i want to leave saying yesterday wasnt about me it was about my friend Charlotte and i feel blessed to have witnessed her get married and knowing how far shes come and how hard shes battled to get to where she is - shes a true inspiration and i love her to bits x
Posted on: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 09:30:42 +0000
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