After the loss of a loved one the year becomes one of firsts. The first holiday without them. The first birthday. The first baby born. Even the first real thunderstorm. All of these events and more can evoke a load of emotions. Autumn is upon us. Leaves will be changing for the first time in my new year. Im reminded of a drive through the New England states a few years ago. The colors were so vivid that no artist, no matter the talent, could ever hope to duplicate. Seeing a leaf skitter down the street being pushed along by a gentle breeze served as notice to me that my first real season of change is upon me. And, unfortunately this season will turn the leaves from a lively green to a crusty brown with very little time for vibrant colors. What small amount of color there is comes from my friends. They are my reds and yellows. The remaining months of this calendar year are full of times for celebration. Or, they were. Beths birthday. Thanksgiving. Wandas birthday. Christmas. What joy they once brought. Shopping with Beth for her presents. For her 23rd it would probably be jewelry. Or perhaps something for her car. Thanksgiving means football, turkey, and sleep. All at my in-laws more than likely. Wanda and Beth would be gathering in Sarahs kitchen to make candy for Christmas on the weekend after Turkey Day. Christmas would probably be bringing Beth over from her house. I wonder if, at her age, she would still be sleeping at the foot of our bed. Or would she possibly be bringing our grandchildren over? New Years would probably either find us in Birmingham with the Norris family or they would be gathered here with the menfolk upstairs watching football while the ladies did whatever it was they did downstairs. My loving bride would bring us snacks up and Beth and Emily would be up and down the stairs between the two groups. For me the events dont begin in November. This week kicks off the new TV schedule. Wanda and I didnt spend much time in front of the tube, but we had our shows. Tonight her side of the couch is empty, as it has been for about 100 days now. The shows we watched ended in cliff-hangers but Ill probably never know how they are resolved. With no one here to discuss the shows and to laugh and cry with me there seems little point in watching them. No, her space on our couch, our bed, my heart are vacant. And, often, the only thing left to fill those spots is pain. I spent a fun (yes, Virginia, there is still fun occasionally) day Saturday seeing more friends than I deserve to have. And, with the exception of just a moment or two, I did not shed a lot of tears. One of my friends asked me how I was doing (I get that a lot lately), but she already knew the answer. So she asked me if it was better during the day than at night. Let me go ahead and speak for anyone who once slept with someone next to them, sensing every breath as their loved one quietly dozed, with a resounding YES. I do long for someone to hold as a drift off to sleep - both during a Sunday afternoon nap and when its time to turn out the lights. But I dont long for just anyone. I long for the love of my life. And while I have spent plenty moments in the last three months snuggling with my young friends and occasionally watching them as they sleep (thank The Lord for young nieces and nephews), and while it does make me comfortable, it is still not the one I long for the most. The last few nights I have made little or no posts at all regarding my journey. Im sorry to have made up for it tonight. But a good friend of mine sent me an article that shows the benefits of writing when dealing with grief and, while it may bother you and you may feel like posting TLDR after the post, sometimes I write for me rather than my reader. Today was one of those nights. So thanks to those of you that got this far. You are truly the brightest of my reds and yellows. You, and the peace and joy of The Lord are what will get me through the changing seasons and the firsts that come with it. God bless.
Posted on: Mon, 22 Sep 2014 02:18:58 +0000
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