After the sixth or seventh bottle of Tesco’s own-label champagne, few of the Ichi and Scraatchi advertising team could recall the end of the meeting at which Luke Upward had “pitched” to the company’s people his scheme to re-label the product as Tescquot. However, Upward himself (with a stronger head than his underlings) had a clear memory when he reported back to his office. “It was a veritable love feast – like Gussie Fink-Nottle swimming in a pond full of crested newts.” He and the firm were therefore surprised and disappointed when Tesco’s rejected his proposal. In a rare huff, the amiable Marquis de Tarpaulin cancelled his order for two dozen crates of the own-label and continued to serve his “premier-crew” guests with the same boring old Dom Perignon. Undeterred by this rejection, Upward and his underlings found themselves “pitching” for Budweiser beer, who were trying to inject some fresh life into their tired slogan of Pick Up Some Buds. Upward found the meeting too boring to go into a trance. Before the last company executive could switch off the last Powerpoint slide, Upward muttered “Gather ye more Buds while ye may.” Upward was irritated by the lack of response from the Budweiser people, and even more irritated at being forced to give them an impromptu lecture on Robert Herrick, a poet he had always found particularly sappy. It was no hardship to Upward to fail to win the Budweiser account, but he was much more engaged with his next potential client: Tanqueray Gin. It was one of his favourites, and the base of the Hogarthian cocktail he had invented: Gin Alley. (“Pour two parts gin in a tall glass over ice cubes and a twist of lime. Discard ice cubes. Add another two parts gin. Remove lime.”) Nonetheless, Upward repeated his ploy of claiming ignorance of the product and asking the company to provide a large sample for inspiration. He gulped down a Gin Alley, murmured “Oh yes” several times and favoured the Tanqueray people with a long trance. One of the company executives seemed ready to misinterpret this behaviour, but Upward came suddenly to and said “The Second Mrs Tanqueray.” The executives looked blank. “Gentlemen, have you ever considered making use of this character? Probably not. You are familiar, of course, with the ‘problem play’ by the late Sir Arthur Wing Pinero.” The executives looked blanker, if it is possible for blankness to have degrees. “You recall that his heroine commits suicide at the end. But what about ‘the new Mrs Tanqueray’? She’s dangerously brilliant and an international woman of mystery.” The executives now showed signs of animation, and Upward hastily mixed himself another Gin Alley before they became aware of their surroundings. “The new Mrs Tanqueray is the latest wife of Tux “Super” Tanqueray, billionaire shipping magnate. Here is someone gossiping about her to a patient listener. ‘My dear, such a shame you had to miss the reception. Tux’s new yacht nearly sank, so many people dying to meet the new Mrs Tanqueray. Of course the yacht was a horror – no wonder they call Tux the Vulgar Boatman – but I’m sure she’ll give it a makeover, she has such wonderful taste. She was in lime that day, but I’ve seen pictures and she looks fabulous in anything. Someone said he’s on the rocks but not judging by the ones she was wearing. Of course all the Tonics were there, each trying to be more sparkling than the others, and you know how everyone else can get drowned out by the Tonics, but she cut right through them and made everyone feel brilliant. Anyway, she’s a total sensation, like a force of nature, but where does she come from, what’s her secret, the new Mrs Tanqueray? No one even knows her first name!’ Finally the patient listener cuts in. ‘I’ve known her for years. And it’s Ginny.’ Upward took a deep pull from his glass. “There she is, gentlemen. Ginny, the new Mrs Tanqueray. A character to identify your brand like Tony Sinclair, of happy memory.” The executives were now spellbound. “Now I’m not sure that another would be prudent, but we have good cause to celebrate, and if you insist…” google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=tvacres/images/tony_sinclair2.jpg&imgrefurl=tvacres/admascots_tony_sinclair.htm&h=399&w=310&sz=20&tbnid=j697pyomRVmadM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=70&zoom=1&usg=__pkghc74yoeS5M6OriHrwuTwdink=&docid=DbKxA9tttxfRyM&sa=X&ei=ehThUZHaBcue7Aac2oDwBw&ved=0CFMQ9QEwBg&dur=1
Posted on: Sat, 13 Jul 2013 08:52:57 +0000
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