After watching people worship at the altar of Five Guys for years, I finally broke down and gave them a shot. My food was wasnt horrible, but was so mediocre that I became measurably depressed by it. The patty was dry, the bun was soggy and the slice of tomato was so under-ripe and dense I had to check and make sure it wasnt a piece of baked Fimo. Once it was removed and I squirted more ketchup and mustard on in an effort to rehydrate my meal, it reminded me of a burger I might make for myself at a summertime backyard barbecue after seventeen vodka sodas; a careless, lazy stack of ingredients slopped together in between rounds of cornhole and deciding whos sober enough to make a beer run. The seasoned fries were...is there an antonym for umami? Can I make one up now? They were nothing more than BlahKakke vehicles on which ketchup is delivered to a disinterested mouth. Damp, cold, boring. Five Guys doing this to potatoes is like taking the brilliant young winners of NHPTVs Granite State Challenge and forcing them to toil away in a crumbling Chilean coal mine. In summation, Five Guys has created a menu that breaks the barriers of human monotony, with items so tedious they can almost be considered otherworldly. To eat a Five Guys burger is to experience what boring is like for aliens on distant planets. Im 100% confident in saying everybody who lines up to eat here has previously cauterized their taste buds with a hot curling iron, and has no choice but to believe their slack-jawed coworkers at the tire burning plant when they say Aw guy we gotta go ta Five Guys dem burgas is mazing and day nice and soff on mah bad teeth.
Posted on: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 13:50:24 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015