Afterthought: A Father’s Day Gift for Everyone “…He earned his love through discipline, a thundering velvet hand; and his gentle means of sculpting souls took me years to understand….” These lyrics appear in a song written by Dan Fogelberg, “Leader of the Band.” He maintained that they describe the relationship he had with his own father. “If I could have only written one song, it would have been this one,” remarked the singer/songwriter during a concert. I have had the opportunity to perform the song for my father when he attended the little concerts that I do. I changed the words a bit to be more descriptive of my own relationship with that most important man whom I have known all of my life. Though he gave me a “gift” for which I never can repay him, I still didn’t always understand his methods of discipline; however, I profited by them. Upon reflection, I realized that my Father was showing me the nature of “daddy’s love” and its specific ways of guiding children. Interestingly, a father’s loving, “thundering velvet hand” has certain characteristics, most of which seem to universally appear across cultures. To begin with, children have to work harder to earn a dad’s love and attention—not so with mom’s love. Hers tends to be afforded unconditionally. Dad, however, establishes stricter and firmer rules in an effort to prepare his offspring for living in the world. He expects compliance; and, as the song lyrics suggest, he “earns” their love through his discipline; and, by the way, his children earn his love for them through demonstrating adherence to rules. Once earned, dad’s love expresses itself differently across gender lines, it seems. I have observed that a daughter has very little trouble wrapping her father around her finger. Any “daddy’s girls” out there? (My daughters still have me captivated—but don’t tell them.) Dad seems closest to his “little girl” when he is doing something to help her or fixing something for her. When she is a girl, he expresses his loving care by re-attaching the baby doll’s arm that is inadvertently disembodied. As she gets older, he may fix her automobile or assist in repairing her finances. His affectionate overtures are frequently gentle in nature. But dad demonstrates love for his son in a sterner, instructive manner. Though he is often strongly bonded to him, the “help” he provides his boy differs from that which he affords his daughter. Louann Brizendine; in her book, The Male Brain, cites a Wisconsin study which found that dad’s affection for his son is usually of a stronger, tougher nature. He feels that it is his responsibility to prepare him for life in an exacting world. The study also reveals that a father’s “affection” toward his son generally takes the form of rougher handling. Yet, dad strongly identifies with his boy, and his boy looks up to his dad as a role model. These findings certainly characterize the relationship I had with my dad early on. It was only in the later years of his waning testosterone did my father verbally express his love for me, hugged me, and even kissed me on the cheek. However, some of his last words to me took on that familiar instructive tone: “Son, be a good boy.” I replied: “Dad, I am a good boy; how could I be any other way?” My Father and I had very little in common, save the inextricable fact that we were father and son. We probably really didn’t like each other. But, we loved each other fiercely! Here’s my gift for all on this “Father’s Day” Monday. If Dad is a highly involved nurturer, his children experience some positive life-long benefits—but so does he. According to a 2007 study conducted by Centre for Families, Work & Well-Being at the University of Guelph; children whose father is a “high-nurturing parent” reap the following outcomes: • At six months of age, they are more cognitively competent and continue to be throughout their first year of life. As toddlers, they demonstrate more accomplished problem-solving skills; and by three-years of age, they score higher on intelligence measures. • School-age children achieve more academically. They get better grades, receive higher test scores, perform a year above their expected age level, and score better on tests measuring quantitative and verbal prowess. • Adolescent boys try harder to achieve good grades and feel that education is important to their future success. • Pre-pubescent girls, whose biological fathers live in the home and are engaged, start menstrual cycles at an appropriate age; girls who live with a “stepfather” tend to commence their cycles earlier. (Why? At some subconscious, unarticulated biological level, a stepfather is perceived as a “potential partner” in lieu of a natural parent, according to a seminal study out of Australia.) • Children of involved fathers are more likely to demonstrate a greater internal control, possess a greater ability to take initiative, use self-direction and control, display less impulsivity. Daughters seem more willing to try new things, keep busier, and are happier. • Children are protected from involvement in delinquent behavior and are less likely to engage in adolescent substance abuse. • Succinctly, “father love” appears to be as heavily implicated as mother love in offspring’s psychological well-being and health, as well as in an array of psychological and behavioral problems. Shall I go on? I think we all see the big picture…. Hey, Dads! You benefit too. Here are four ways that fatherhood enhances your life: • Fatherhood literally does a man’s heart good. Researchers tracked the health of 137,903 men, ages 50 to 71, for about 10 years. They concluded that dads with two or more children tend to live longer than those who are childless or have only one child. In fact, they are 17% less likely to die from heart-related disorders. (Study published in Human Reproduction.) • Dads take better care of themselves. An Oregon State University report asserts that having family responsibilities discourages bad-boy behavior, since men’s rates of smoking, drinking, and substance abuse drop dramatically after the birth of their first child. Other studies show that having kids motivates men to exercise more and improve their diet. • Fatherhood can add years to men’s lives. Swedish researchers, who studied nearly 700,000 men over a 19-year period, discovered that those who lived with their wives and kids were less likely to die from any cause—from heart attacks, injuries, or drug addiction—as compared to single men with no children or dads living alone. • Involved dads are happier--and so are their kids. A report published by the Father Involvement Research Alliance indicates that close family ties reduced men’s risk for depression. As has been stated, kids with supportive, engaged dads enjoy better mental health, cope better with frustration and stress, and feel more joyful and optimistic about their lives. Over the last 24 hours, I have read countless aphorisms regarding the meaning of fatherhood and how important dads have been and continue to be in the lives of men and women, boys and girls. One of my daughters even called me a superhero without a cape. (I reminded her that I do have a cape.) How marvelous of her to think so! In a survey that came out just last week, 8 out of 10 males—that’s right, 80%--said that they have always wanted to be a father and someday plan to be one. Now, I don’t suppose that anyone can adequately prepare himself/herself for parenthood. You discover a few things as you go along. It is, however, a lifetime commitment! And Gentlemen—those who are or aspire to be fathers—no matter how old your son or daughter may be, YOU NEVER STOP BEING A DAD. So, there’s my little gift to all of you. Happy Father’s Day to both dad and child…
Posted on: Wed, 19 Jun 2013 18:42:59 +0000
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