Aggressive Driver For years my husband denied he was an aggressive driver. That changed one day when we were out for a drive with Our three-year old son, Matthew. Seeing a teaching opportunity, I asked Matthew about traffic lights. What does a red light mean? I asked. Stop. Good. How about green? Go. And yellow? I continued. In his best deep-voice impression of Daddy, Matthew bellowed.... Hang on! ~~~~~~~~~~ The world is going insane. Now the ACLU is suing to try and stop the praying mantis from praying. // When my husband finally gave in and began to clean out his bureau, he discovered a bunch of socks that didnt match. As I looked at them, I noted that most of them had holes in them. Lands sakes, man! I exclaimed. How long have you had these things? Since before we were married, he admitted. I guess you could say that I had a lot of premarital socks! // Officials in Auckland caught a man trying to smuggle live tropical fish into New Zealand in his pants. Hmm. And did they call it guppy love? // Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it though. Seems it was habit-forming. // A senior in the high school class I taught was always in trouble, both at home and at school, and he was getting fed up. Thats it! Im tired of people telling me what to do, he announced at the end of class one day. As soon as I graduate, Im joining the Marines. /// The Complete Shrimp Cookbook is hard core prawnography./ ~~~~~~~~~~ The Ten Commandments of Marriage 1] Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. 2] If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 3 ]Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! 4] Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 5] When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. 6] Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 7] Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking. 8] Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. 9] Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband. 10] Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished. ~~~~~~~~~ A Bad Day [If you dont laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize its real! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.] Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know youve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize its not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. Its a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, then pumps it down o nd the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and Ive used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. Its like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my Bum started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my bum started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I dont have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldnt stick to it. However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression Stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter Running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldnt poo for two days because my bum was swollen shut. So, next time youre having a bad day at work, think about how much Worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bum. Now repeat to yourself, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish Bad day? ~~~~~~~~~~~ Two Teenagers The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent. Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, I suppose youre the kids lawyer. Nope, the chap replied. Im just here to deliver them a pizza. ~~~~~~~~~~ Bubba Wants to Get Married Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart. So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa. Bubba, you cant get married yet, insisted Ma. Youre the baby of the family. But Ma, Bubba protested, I just had my 38th birthday last week. We know that, Bubba, Pa chimed, but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school. ~~~~~~~~~
Posted on: Tue, 19 Nov 2013 13:59:32 +0000
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