All my life Ive wanted my mothers love, without the conditions. All my life Ive done all Ive known to make her proud of me, and want to love me - as Ive loved her. Ive spent so many years lying for her, lying about her so people wouldnt look at me with pity, or judge me for who she actually is to me, and has always been to me. Truth is, shes never really been there for me, or supported me. As a kid, she would pawn me off to family members for years at a time so she could go live her life separately of me. Shes never had the time or made the effort to make sure I was alright. I spent my entire childhood thinking I was the reason she never loved me. Believing that because I was different she would never really love me, shed only ever be disappointed. Ive spent 24 years fighting for my mothers love, and everyone in my family can agree to that. I thought a mothers love came easy. I thought it came free. Ive spent thousands of dollars in the past seven years to come visit her, and bring her little things to say I care, to say I love you. Not once, in seven years, has she come to visit me anywhere. Havent gotten a gift for a birthday or Christmas in seven years(as she takes trips to Jamaica and Costa Rica, YEARLY). And every single time Ive come to her, Ive come with things shes loved and money to give her. Every time! Nothing from her. Nothing. Its not even about the money either - its about the relationship. The gifts and visits were extensions of my heart, because I knew that would reach her. Nothing in return, or in effort to extend to me. Even so, she insists I move north, here, to be near her. So, I find a job and I do! Excited that FINALLY my mother wants me! My mother wants me around and in her life, of course Ill move! Then, suddenly, on my 5th day of being here, literally - everything changes. She tells me that she no longer thinks I should keep this job, and within two weeks she wants me to find somewhere else to go.... Im in shock.. I only came because she insisted. I only got the job because she encouraged it. So, I tried asking where this change came from, and all she had to say was that it wasnt her responsibility because Im grown now and it was an inconvenience for her at this time. My very own mother. So, yes, tonight, I spoke my feelings and meant them, even in anger. I finally told her I have had enough. And, yes, I might be homeless at the train station tonight, freezing, trying to figure out what to do now, but at least my mother got to hear from me, her son, how hurt Ive been all these years. And, most importantly, how Ive loved her despite it all. I still love her. But, I will NEVER have anything to do with her as long as we both live. That was the last time she will ever hurt me. Period.
Posted on: Tue, 03 Jun 2014 05:46:07 +0000
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