All of you who follow me faithfully and check in with me and offer support to me so freely~ Im in such a dark place right now. Handsome Husbands death is crashing in on me from all directions and I feel like Im in free fall at the same time as being curled up in a ball on the floor. This isnt one of those alarmist posts so please dont take it that way. Im okay physically, though Ive been sick as a dog with a very bad flu and I cant seem to get back on my feet even after 3 days bed rest. Food still doesnt set well on my stomach, massive headaches (and I cant take pain med on an empty, upset stomach), full body achiness, and nerves stretched to the snapping point. Im hydrating as much as I can but its hard to stay ahead of it with a tender stomach. I just know I needed to be honest with all of you. Now. While in the midst of it. When my instincts say to isolate. But since the day Handsome Husband went into the hospital, Ive been open about this grief, and Im not going to lie about it at its worst. I have no idea how to pray and I am uncertain about my understanding of a Higher Power. All I believe in any longer is the love my husband and I had together, but right now that is only a reminder to me that hes gone. I know I have to get through this, and I plan on finding a counselor when I get on my feet again because I have no faith that I will survive this grief. I dont WANT to be here without him but I continue to not die and Im not the sort to hurt myself, which means I must continue to live. But life holds no light for me, without him. This isnt a matter of feeling sorry for myself; it is bone-crushing, soul-shattering, grief that is violently chopping and shredding me. So, because I DO believe in the power of Love, and all the Love from you that has brought me to this point, Im begging you to please send as much light my way as you possibly can, in whatever way you can. And may the Love shine more brightly than the grief~
Posted on: Wed, 03 Dec 2014 05:27:54 +0000
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