Allegedly, it has been 15 years since I graduated from Iolani. I had grand intentions for my reunion, but they didn’t all pan out. I’d like to blame this on a combination of planetary retrogrades and restaurant openings as it definitely had nothing to do with procrastination and unsuccessfully trying to learn how to pop and lock. Here’s what I mostly did NOT achieve: 1) HAVE WASHBOARD ABDOMINALS. It is true no one would have seen them, but their mere existence would have created an irresistible air of confidence. Alas, doing 25 minute workouts for three weeks does not produce rippling muscles. It did not even reduce my side boob to a point where I could stand with my elbows down. Fail. 2) HAVE A RAGINGLY SUCCESSFUL BLOG AND BE OBVIOUSLY TEETERING ON THE VERGE OF EXTREME SUCCESS. Apparently, one has to actually do things like build a site and publish posts. Also, Adobe Illustrator is an asshole. Proof of ass-holery: “Hey, just go through the instructional book from front to back for two weeks and you’ll have me down pat, I promise. HAHA, JK! Still really frustrating, right? LOL. Okay, what you really need to do is spend one thousand hours viewing youtube tutorials, then you’ll be a wiz, like for realsies. PSYCHE! You still SUCK sucka. But don’t worry, just use my eraser. BWAHAHA, look at all those (snicker snicker) black smudge lines all over your (hehehehe) page. Maybe you should just, (OMG I am CRYING over here), maybe you should just do some basic drawing with the (HAHAHA, I am totes HYSTERICAL) PEN TOOL, HAHAHAHAHAHA! I can’t even, I can’t EVEN!” Right. So fail on that one too. 3) BE DAZZLING AS TO SUCCESSFULLY INFILTRATE EVERY CLIQUE I WAS NEVER IN. Because I was never in any clique. Because I was a touch lame in HS and apparently did really cool things like carry around a giant file box emblazoned with Jesus stickers and wear overalls every day and not talk to people because I was afraid they didn’t like me. I wound up being a bit less dazzling and a bit more nervous laugh-y and awkward stand-y alone-y so… fail. 4) BE SUPER FLEXIBLE. Also not particularly applicable but would have made me feel like a ninja warrior. Fail. 5) HAVE NICE HAIR. My hair was way shiny so DONE! 1 out of 5. Which is 20%. Yeah, that’s right, I know percentages because I went to IOLANI. They mades me SMARTS. Now to compile my list of goals for my 20th reunion. It will include having a better answer than “Um… sort of nothing?” to the question “What are you doing now?”. It will also include the ability to recite Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven.” Who wouldnt want to be my best friend forever after I lay down those sick rhymes? No one wouldnt want to. Which means EVERYONE would want to. Just in case you were confused. Right.
Posted on: Mon, 29 Dec 2014 09:08:17 +0000
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