Alright, after reading story after story of motorcycles killing otherwise innocent riders, engaging in high-speed police chases (without the riders consent Im sure), and smashing headlong into tractor trailers, cars, trucks and SUVs, and the otherwise wanton death and destruction that these devises cause, I feel it is high time that the government do something about this!! The answer is simple, ban motorcycles. I know what you are all thinking; how can he say that, MC riders will never allow it, One Percenters will rise in revolt? Its easy, first of all, we will create the BMM (Federal Bureau of Motorcycle Management). Outlaw the private possession of MCs manufactured after the date of the new laws enactment, say 4/1/2015. MCs manufactured after this date will only be allowed for sale to State and Federal agencies. Then we will convince MC riders that this is for their own good that their MCs have to be federally taxed, and background checks required for purchase (I think we have something like this set-up already in place, we will just tie it to the NICS system), then the Feds and States will need to institute harsh penalties for possession of MCs by unauthorized persons (say Felons, those under a protective order, or those deemed mentally unfit (I mean really, what kind of SANE person thinks they need a MC to get around on, this is 2014 for Gods sake, not the old west!)). Also there will need to be safeguards in place to make sure that MCs are not allowed near schools; If it saves just one child it will be worth it. The penalty for one of these death machines dragging a rider near a school will assuredly need to be a felony. Then, if you havent scrapped that horrible death machine already (by cutting the frame into at least 3 separate pieces with a torch in a way that the remaining pieces cannot be reassembled into their former, now illegal configuration), for the riders own safety, we will need to ad a list of items that make an already dangerous two wheeled vehicle into an assault bike (for which there is no reason for to exist OTHER than to kill riders and maim passers-by); things like chrome footpegs, high capacity gas-tanks (those holding more than one half gallon of fuel), and extended length handlebars (seriously, there is NO reason to allow ape hangers). And if you continue to jump through the hoops that will now be required to own such a two wheeled agent of death, there will now be a new group of people who will try to shame you into quitting what you thought was a legal past-time, we shall call them M.I.L.F.S. (Mothers in line for safety); they will be financed by some rich do-good-er (when hes not busy banning big soda cups), and probably with a Federal grant. The MILFS will openly lie, fabricate facts, manipulate statistics, and otherwise attempt to paint your pride and joy as a menace to society. Oh, and did I forget to mention, the BMM will also have the ability to decide that some MCs (although already regulated heavily by the BMM) will/can be determined to be WAY more dangerous than the normal everyday garden variety MC. These Destructive MCs (DMCs), will then require additional taxes to be paid to the BMM, be transferred to new owners only with BMM permission (this could take up to a year, so dont get in a hurry); and did I forget to mention that the BMM will regulate how much noise your MC will now be allowed to make without being a DMC? Fun stuff. Remember We dont want to ban your MC, we just want to make it enough of a pain in the ass that you will give-up on the idea. Hugs and kisses, and its for the children. See ya. Added amendments: Amendment to the newly proposed Federal law: Since Mopeds and Scooters arent real motorcycles, by BMM regulations they will all have to have bright orange tires, and a flag (at minimum 6 feet long) that states not a toy in bright orange letters to make them easily distinguishable from real MC. Detachable standard capacity fuel tanks (those holding 1/2 gallon or less) will be considered assault MC parts, and thus illegal.
Posted on: Thu, 17 Jul 2014 15:06:10 +0000
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