Also, tonight after a very good meditation I had all these thoughts and memories of a guy I dated in college. Hard to explain but I felt 20 again, remembering, in my mind and in my body. And I thought about hearing the Neil Young song Old Man back then... and hearing it now... first as the young man and now as the old. https://youtube/watch?v=FyKKCEH8grA Spent some time blaming myself for what went wrong between us, and then realized his actions were half of the equation that I had not taken into account while blaming myself. And realized that blame is a silly thing to waste time on. Then I spent a few more minutes thinking about how complicated relationships are. I was sad for a while but then the feeling passed. I have a feeling that without meditation and yoga and Torah study, I might have spent a much longer time sad, and that the sadness might have led to depression. I am very glad for my teachers and for all the work I am doing to learn how to be contented, capable of experiencing happiness and pleasure, and peaceful rather than anxious and sad. Sometimes I worry about posting things like this, that its too vulnerable or weak. But I think if more men had posted things like this when I was growing up, my life could have been much easier, my masculinity so much more free/capable.
Posted on: Tue, 07 Oct 2014 07:14:23 +0000
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