Although Tuesday, 9/23, is Josephs angelversary in date, tonight is the actual anniversary of the last night I laid down with Joseph until he slept. The last time we went through our nightly before sleep routine. The last time we fought about who loved who more. The last time I watched him fall asleep and just looked at him, again realizing how beautiful he was inside and out. A year ago, in about nine or so hours, early on a Monday morning, I had made the decision to stay home from work to be with Joseph (Mom was going to an appointment in Boston with Jack.) I got him a pop tart to eat, and a glass of OJ to drink. Then, I got into bed with him to watch cartoons. He wanted to lay down. He asked to use my fat belly as a pillow, which he did as we both laughed. And, that was basically the last thing he ever said to me. One second he was there with me laughing, the next second he was lifeless in my arms. I can still see his face, his eyes. I can still remember how he felt in my arms. I can remember Kates scream...the scream you never want to hear. I will NEVER be able to forget these things. The rest of it is a blur. CPR, ambulances, emergency/trauma room. And, life forever changed, forever, damaged. Heart forever broken. This is all I can think about as I sit here tonight. I sit and wonder what if we brought him to the hospital on a year ago on Sunday night. Could we have prevented this? Could we have saved him? Were we too tired, having just returned home from another hospital stay with Jack? Did we do everything we could for Joe, or were we not focused enough, worrying about Jack? These are my thoughts. The what-ifs. Could I have done more? I miss him so much, and wonder if I could change things, what I would do. Then, I am reminded of the song, The Dance. I hear it, and it does ring true in some ways. Is it better that I didnt know what would happen last year on Monday, 9/23? Would I have enjoyed that last laugh with Joe about my fat belly if I had known? Would I have been able to enjoy every moment I had with him and love him with my whole heart, my whole being if I had known? Probably not. So, I am grateful for the time I did spend with him. He taught me how to enjoy each day, each moment. He taught me how to be brave. He taught me how to smile and laugh despite constant challenges and obstacles. He taught me how to love and to open my heart. He was the strongest, bravest, happiest, and most beautiful person I will ever know. I am fortunate to have known him. I am blessed that he loved me too. I could have missed the pain, but Id have had to miss the dance. youtube/watch?v=bpwdwbO1uvM
Posted on: Mon, 22 Sep 2014 03:00:42 +0000
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