Although this trip home was bitter sweet, the Boles Creek Fire means more to me then many can fathom, I had a few people ask me why would I tattoo the Boles Creek Fire on me, well now I feel the need to explain myself, Ive held in a lot of secrets for myself and for others, first off home is where the heart is ;-) second............. when I was 15 years old, 7 days after my 15th birthday, February 28th, I had two locals black guys rape and steal my Virginity from me, the whole town started calling me a slut, not knowing I was raped, I started to believe I was and let the small town bs get to me, i knew both of the guys families very well, didnt want to destroy their lives even tho they didnt mind distorting mine, I told myself I must have liked them to have not fought harder when they didnt stop after I said no, no, stop, no, stop, and looked over only to see my god daughter looking right into my eyes, yes I was so drunk I went to sleep next to my god daughters crib, like I always did back then, only to wake up to one guy groping me and one one raping me, I then had a girl at school we will just call her Amber M. call me a slut all over school, and I had only ever been raped, I lost my mind, rightfully so woke up at 3am one morning, woke up Brianna who was sleeping over that night, told her I was going to beat the breaks off Amber at school that day and that I did, oh so well, along with Sal the teacher and got expelled and sent to Jefferson HS in MS, a year later in boles creek apartments, in the same apartment @ 16 years old I was given date rape and raped by two black guys from the COS, both friends and both people I had been around them many many times before, the second time I was raped the other way it was brutal like something you would see on a horror scene, I could hear everyone but couldnt move, I remember standing and falling as I was talking and them catching me saying here she goes and catching me like a dead fish as I fell like rubber, since then, Ive spent 16 long years in pain and anguish, lost and lonely, broken and beaten up mentally, spiritual broken, people teased me not knowing that they were stabbing me in the heart and twisting it, reminding me of my rapes every time they said the trigger word as the psychologist called it.. Im sure a lot of you know exactly what Im talking about. Nobody ever said hey jessica, that doesnt sound right or like you, what really happened or are you ok... people just ran with it, small town gossip, yall know how that is, I did what 90% of victims do and kept it all to myself, blamed myself, made excuses, was afraid of what the people in my small town would say, I barely told my mom and Grammy 2 years ago, I let it eat me alive for years, theres days I dont want to get out of bed, days I clean all day because its the only way I know to calm my stress besides smoke weed to numb myself, I have yet to have ever felt true love or let anybody in because my walls so high its nearly impenetrable, so my love and hate for the town of Weed is surreal, both rapes happened in boles creek apartments, the field that burned down between boles creek and the old Bp is the field I stumbled home in, falling every 5 feet when the date rape would kick back in, as it was trying to wear off in my body, most people cant remember when they have traumatic things happen, as a matter of fact most peoples minds have a way of blocking out or blacking out bad memories, its a way the beautiful human body protects itself from painful memories, then theres people like me who remember everything and cant run from it a single day so they spend their lives trying to make other people happy and live vicariously through their happiness which in the long run just breaks them down because really all we want is to experience happiness for the first time....... I wish I could live back home and be with yall all the time but the pain is to deep and every tree, bush, building, & landmark, reminds me of those traumatic times, days I was teased, fights I got in over being made fun of... I turned to my weed and money, because I felt like it would never turn its back on me, I want to thank my friends and family, for this last trip, it helped heal me just a bit and most of all John Uttech @ Small Town Ink for squeezing a tattoo in for me in less then 24 hours, this tattoo means more to me then any tattoo that I have ever had, a bit of my pain burned when that field burned down on September 15th 2014, Boles Creek Fire.
Posted on: Wed, 08 Oct 2014 00:13:26 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015