Am I alone? Can I stand in the fire and not be overcome? “I miss my Mommy…I miss my Mommy”, were words painfully echoed from my sweet three-year-old Andrew one day to his grandmother. I was once again gone to help Katheryn through treatments and he was home missing his Mommy feeling very much alone. How is it we can feel alone in a place of busyness? She found him curled up in a dark corner of his closet repeating those words as tears streamed down his sweet tender face. Oh, my heart broke when I heard of this and immediately once again, I seemed to fall to my knees inside. “Oh, Lord! I call upon you now. How will you help my children in my absence? How can I press on through this knowing they are feeling such deep pains in my absence?” Upon coming home the last time from the hospital, I was greeted by a bumbling ball of energy and smiles beaming from ear to ear. Andrew came running wildly, like a rhino out of control, and barrel hugged me. He said, “Mommy, you gone all day. You gone all day, Mommy.” I replied, “I love you sweet darling. Mommy is here now.” For I am realizing more and more everyday, the here and now is all I have with my sweet children. The strength to stand strong only comes from a deepening humility realizing I never stand-alone. I treasure the now more than ever before. It is all I have with my sweet ones- so I treasure it, and I pray it to be saturated with God’s peace and presence. Katheryn boldly stood before a Tai kwon do master in the last weeks looking at a board she was to break wondering “Can I do this?”. How often do I, in weak moments, stand strong realizing I am not alone? What about my children? How do I point them to the One that is always with them? You know we are not assured the days we have here to live on earth. No one is guaranteed to be here one day to the next. It is inevitable at some point in our earthly humanly state, that we will at some point leave behind ones we love as we pass from this earthly world into the forever spiritual one. Oh what a glorious day that will be, yet difficult to the ones we leave behind. Why then in the absence of the ones we love is there loneliness? A complete aloneness that overcomes when one we love departs our presence. God promises in Hebrews 13 “God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake”. He states in Deuteronomy 31 for us to be “Be strong and courageous.” And to not fear…”for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake.” So then, why still the struggle in the promises lain before us? It is about trusting in the One who lives in the moment, not in a better tomorrow or a better situation. God is always there. He promises to always be there. “Mommy, I don’t want you to die. I am afraid you will die, “ are sweet tender words falling fresh from quivering lips of Katheryn more and more frequently. In her fears and pains and traumatic memories of the past, she falters and waivers in her confidence to move forward on her own. She is so afraid these days that her Mommy will not always be by her side. She has mentioned this over and again especially in the past couple months. The reality of life and death is being played out before her in ways many children in America do not see. She lives in that fragile world every time she steps foot into Clinic or Aflac at the hospital. As the pains increase, her fear seems to increase. I can remember once in her hospital room, her crying as she said, “Mommy, I don’t want to tell you what I’m thinking. It’s too sad.” I asked her, “Sweetie, you can tell Mommy anything.” She said, “Mommy, I don’t want you to die. I love you.” I paused with a deliberate silence, finding strength in my quick prayers as I reached to the Holy Spirit inside me asking, “Oh, how do I respond to this sweet daughter of mine?” Words fell fresh and confidently out from my lips, words not of my own, saying, “Oh sweetie, I am not going to die. I am not going to leave you until the Lord wants me to leave. And I do believe that is a long time from now.” I continued, “Katheryn, I am with you now sweetie. We are here together. Are you and I ever going to be separated even in death on this earth?” With puffy red cheeks she replied, “No.” “That’s right! We are both going to live together forever! We are living forever now!” I quickly added. And as I hugged her with deep passion from within myself, I felt her breathe out a sigh of relief deep within her. For I know we are promised, “No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”(Romans 8:39) We are promised eternity the moment we chose to believe in Jesus- life eternal with Him. I remember another conversation with sweet Katheryn months ago. Once again she was lying down for a sweet night’s sleep, and she started crying saying, “Mommy, I don’t want you to die!” I replied, “Look deep into my eyes. What do you see? You know the ‘real’ me is inside this body of skin and bones.” I asked her to pinch me, and to grab a hold of my skin. I added, “You see, this skin and bones of mine are going to one day die away and fade into the dust of the ground. I am not sure when, but someday they will. But, the ‘real’ me, the ‘real’ Mommy inside that you know will live forever! Death cannot take that part of me!” I hugged her and grasped her tenderly and leaned forward closer to her and said, “So, sweetie, we never truly die. We just stop living and breathing on this earth. The real me lives forever!” A little smile formed on her quivering lips and with that I hugged her, tucked her in, and she fell fast asleep for the night. This struggle is harder than I ever imagined, and getting harder day-by-day, yet the promises I stand upon are becoming firmer than ever before. I am reminded that we are not alone! The powerful song shared by a friend was used to remind me that no matter what, I am not alone. m.godvine/Kari-Jobe-Powerfully-Sings-I-Am-Not-Alone-fb-gv-6360.html God is with me. He will always be going before me. He will never leave me. 1 John 3:1 says, “See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!” Feeling alone is a very real emotional response. I don’t know anyone that would be able to say they have not felt alone at some point in life. Being alone is living without anyone or anything else. I know this too well when we lost our sweet son Joshua Gabriel to a painfully heartbreaking stillbirth. So, have we felt alone or has it been feelings of loneliness that we find ourselves in when we loose someone precious and dear to us? Loneliness can be complex and usually shows itself as an emotional response from isolation or a lack of companionship. With loneliness comes anxiety. Have I felt lonely? Yes, and often times. Many times I have crumbled to my own closet floor huddled in the corner crying out because I thought I was alone in my pain, yet now I realize being alone and loneliness are two different states of being. Am I ever alone? No way! For “God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deers; he makes me tread on my high places. (Habakkuk 3:19)” He promised in 2 Samuel to “set me secure on the heights, and in Psalm 46 says He “ is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Do I feel lonely at times? Of coarse. I think it is only a natural response to environmental pressures that come upon me. I must and will survive as I stand upon the Truth of God’s promises- He is here with me even when I can’t feel His presence. I have to trust and KNOW that He is with me! And this is what I must teach my precious children! I have a powerful chance of pointing them to the ONE that will never leave them alone. He is the only One that will met them in their need of loneliness. And do so more powerfully than any amount of love, hugs, tenderness, and words that I as a Mommy could give them. Knowing the difference between being alone and loneliness, I know what I can do for Katheryn and the other four often left at home during treatments without Mommy. The only thing that matters is reminding them of the Truth- that “God will supply your every need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus” from Philippians 4:19. They are never alone and never will be alone even in the absence of someone or something that helps them feel safe and secure. The things of earth are never certain and shift like shadows from day to day, but one thing remains- God and God alone. James 1:17 promises, “ Everything good comes from God. Every perfect gift is from him. These good gifts come down from the Father who made all the lights in the sky. But God never changes like the shadows from those lights. He is always the same.” What a great and perfect lesson for me to instill in my children! We are never promised tomorrow. We only have today. We are given this very moment. We are never alone. God will always go before us and He promises to never leave us. Daniel trusted in the Lord and prayed when he was the only one in doing so. Abraham took his first step into an unknown land knowing that God was with him when others were not. Paul pursued telling more and more of Christ for He knew that even though he was persecuted for his beliefs, God went before him and his strength was not his own, but Gods! Moses, trusting in the presence of God going before him, was able to approach the strong mighty Pharaoh. Oh Lord, may I stand in trusting faith as these. Please show me how to teach my children what this kind of trust is. Sweet Katheryn, Andrew, Kaitlyn, Christopher and Jonathan…to this Truth your Mommy and Daddy will fervently work to teach you through the power of the Holy Spirit living and breathing in us. We pray as you sleep tonight that the Lord would remind you when Mommy or Daddy cannot be there, “You are not alone- I am with you! Says your Lord, your God who loves you more than you can imagine.”
Posted on: Sat, 29 Nov 2014 14:23:59 +0000
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