Am I going crazy, or does anyone else feel this way? I feel disconnected from many of the important people in my life. For some of these relationships, feelings of distance are understandable because there IS a seven hour distance between us. I stay in contact with those I am far away from through texting, internet and phone-calls, but that laugh til you cry, say exactly what you feel, no judgement isnt there anymore. The chats that were once full of laughs and realness have been replaced with robot-like conversations: How are you? How is school? and vague responses. The lack of sincerity is painfully obvious.The responsibility to stay in touch is being fulfilled but theres no real interest on either ends. The friends I do see frequently: I constantly feel on edge... worried about what they think of me, and what theyre saying about me, and if they feel some negative emotion towards me. Its not like I avoid them or am all shy when I speak to them, I laugh, I smile, I engage in conversation, but its usually forced and exhausting. I often feel left-out and am unable able to express how I truly feel in fear of being misunderstood or disliked. These are amazing people who I care very much about. If you asked them to describe our relationship theyd likely say its swell and have no idea any of this is going on. Meeting new people is bad. I dont feel an obligation to fake interest or emotions because Ive only just met them. So Ill make small talk when necessary, smile, nod, but thats about it. Its hard enough faking interest in people I DO care about, let alone complete strangers. To the people I meet that I actually would like to get to know, Im afraid of sounding dumb and giving off a bad first impression so dont speak often. Relationships...Im not one of those people who think theyll be forever alone with 522 cats and an unhealthy assortment of oversized sweaters, but I do get nervous that l will FEEL alone forever. I go on dates with guys, nice guys who are smart and kind and for some reason (despite the previous paragraphs Ive described to you) ask me out. To these guys I appear to be interested. I laugh, listen, smile, kiss, hold hands, hug, support, engage. But I feel nothing, again, unable to be myself. Its not that I dont want a relationship, I do. I want more than anything to feel a connection with someone again, to be understood and feel comfortable and actually care, but lately it seems like this will never be a reality. I feel nostalgic often. I HAVE laughed whole heartedly with most of the people Im describing, I HAVE been interested in what theyve had to say and I HAVE been excited to tell them exactly whats going on with me (unfiltered without fear of judgement). I HAVE felt that spark in relationships with significant others and I HAVE developed stupidly intense feelings of love for them. I just dont feel these things anymore, and its making me very sad and numb, and I want them back. Has anyone else ever felt like this? And if you have, what did you do about it?
Posted on: Mon, 21 Jul 2014 15:42:30 +0000
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