Am I on the spectrum myself? I wonder...... The older I get the more insight I get into who I really am. The older I get the wiser I become. The older I get the more I understand. The older I get the better I become. The older I get the happier I am. The older I get the more I accept myself. The older I get the easier it is for me to accept and tolerate that I am different. Yes, I am different, but that is okay. I know that I have always been different from everyone I have known. I have never really understood why, but as I have become older it is becoming clearer for me that I do things differently from others. I live and work in very different ways than most people I know. It has lead me to questioning weather or not I am on the spectrum myself? I see so many similarities within my children which I can recognise within myself. To mention a few things I hate is change. When something is working just fine for me I dont deal very well with change at all. It takes me ages to get over something and settle into a new routine. I need to be organised to function. If my life, my home or my routine is disorganised I crumble, get frustrated and my head is all over the place. I strive when things go according to plan and I have a solid foundation that I can trust will not change. I am extremely sensitive to the outside world and my anger can go from 0-100 in a split second. I often take everything literally missing many points along the way. My world is very much black and white and I hate people who dont follow rules. It makes me spin out of control. I dont like to be hugged, unless I am the one who gives the hugs or unless its fitting for me and my mental state in that moment. But I love getting a hug from some of the few special people in my life. That makes it nearly impossible for the world to figure me out. Being married to an Italian where everyone hugs and kisses has really been a massive uncomfortable learning curb for me. But I am getting there. Some days I am totally cool with the physical aspect of the culture, but most days I just want to keep my hands in my pockets and keep my head down. Parties are often nightmares for me and I dread the whole hello and goodbye thing. But with time I have become better and more comfortable with it. I strongly dislike people touching me and crowded places makes my head spin and I panic. I have massive battles with depression which still goes up and down. I am a perfectionist and I can drive myself to the point of exhaustion to concur a goal I have set myself. I am extremely stubborn and will not give up. I can get so caught up in one thing that everything else in my world disappears. Its so intense at times but I do love these moments. I am extremely shy despite coming across as open, loud and sometimes funny. I love to laugh and joke around. Absolutely love it, but often it is used as a survival mechanism to just to get by on many of my cloudy days. I can go on and on with this list, but I do have to get back to my house work 😊 Most of this I see in my children as well. I dont know if I am interested in going through the diagnosis process for myself, but I think it would be healing for me to do so. If I was to be on the spectrum it would absolutely explain a lot of things in my life and I think it would also create some freedom and acceptance within my soul. I am not sure which way to go, but when thinking about it I think it is mostly important to chose the path that can create the most peace and happiness for ME. I will let you all know what I decide to do.
Posted on: Thu, 04 Dec 2014 02:37:39 +0000
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