Amanda is closing her facebook for a while. She feels its an addiction and she spends too much time on it. Id like to post her last post on my page. I know this is long, but please read if you have the chance. It’s been a hard month, for that matter it is been a hard year. We have lost two babies and our jobs. However, we have gained a lot also, Understanding, a better partnership, undying love, patience, faith, and tons more. I find myself being caught up in the surrealness of everyday. Everything seems like it is zipping by, yet moving so slowly at the same time. I am caught up in the fragileness of life. It seems so simple to make a life, but at the same time so much has to come together for it to be viable. Some days I feel I can conquer the world, others I feel lucky to be out of bed. I get medically why things happen, I know the terms, (yes I know its was a fetus, or embryo, I know it was not compatible with life, I know it was considered a product of conception after its demise, I know these things, but to me Peanut and Bean were mine, they were my babies, they were a part of me). I have done more research than one can imagine, I know the stats, I know the many causes and that sometimes things happen. I have images burned into my brain that a person should never have to see. I went through a process only those being punished for great crimes should have to endure. I know the medical side. What I am really searching for is faith that everything will be ok, that I can successfully try again, that my body is not a death trap. I love my extended family and my close friends. I do feel that perhaps strangers or friends I only see on the internet has helped me most. It is perhaps easier to help someone in pain that you barely know. It becomes real and personal when you know the person and care for them, it hurts you too, and who wants to volunteer to hurt. I understand few of them know what to say, I understand most have not gone through this, I also understand no one wants to say the wrong thing to make me upset, no one knows when has been enough time, everyone wants normal back, and I am sure most everyone wants to forget this happened, none greater than myself. Many have ignored my attempts to contact them, many have fumbled through conversations, dancing around the obvious or ignoring me entirely hoping it goes away or not wanting the awkwardness. I get it, its human nature, its survival, it is well meaning. I want everyone to know, I am ok...or will be. I want you to know I dont expect our interactions to be perfect, but try not to ignore me, that makes me feel more alone, but if you have to for you own wellbeing, I understand. I will forever have a new normal and I cannot come out of the last several years of my life the same person, but perhaps that is a good thing. In 2010 I lost my dad, I was a daddy’s girl, in 2013 I lost peanut and part of my woman hood, then this July this happened. I know none of its my fault, but at the same time I can’t help but blame myself for not doing enough, for making mistakes, for overlooking things, that beer I had two months ago, the list is endless. I know this is long, but I am venting, letting you in on a glimpse of where I am. I am a survivor, or at the very least I am alive and functioning. I owe the last bit to my girls. I function for them. Love is strong, perhaps the strongest of emotions. It gives you the will to do things that otherwise would be impossible, or nearly that way anyway. In the end I suppose it all makes sense, since God in love, and through God all things are possible. I have to have faith, faith in God, faith that all things that happen are part of a plan that will in the end be what is best. I know many of you do not believe and I can understand. Many would blame God or ask, “How can you believe in God that has failed you”. That too I understand, I have been there. However, I have not been failed, I have been redeemed and taught a lesson, and even though I have felt like I was dying and in reality with my ectopic was dying, I am here, I am here to serve a purpose of some sort. The whole chapter has not been written. I do not know the ending, but I believe that it will be a good one. I have failed Him, but he has never failed me. Everything has a season, and some seasons are short others are long lasting. This season of my life is about pain, but learning important life lessons through the pain. It too shall pass. All things shall end, and where there is an end there is a beginning. Beginnings signal new opportunities. Life is not perfect for anyone, but you have to make the best of what you can. You have to look at the good in every situation if you want to live, not function, but truly live. I am not completely there yet, but I am getting there. I have went through the motions for years now, but I want to really live and that is what I am aiming to accomplish. I am taking my losses as chances to change, chances to truly know what life is about. Please, don’t pity me. I am ok, I am getting to where I need to be, and though I won’t be exactly the same Amanda, I will be a better version. For now I am still grieving, but I am getting better. Don’t be afraid to talk to me, my loss is not contagious I promise. I do appreciate all the support I was given and condolences, and I understand the weariness of many to contact me or respond to me. With that being said I am taking a break for a while. In my current state every little thing, even ones that aren’t what they seem are messing with my head. I am reading into too much and taking things personally that have nothing to do with me. I am taking a break from social media, I am taking a break from a technological driven life. It won’t be forever, but I need to be in a better place to deal. I need simple in a world of Chaos. I will be on some today and tomorrow to give people a chance to contact me if needed. However, if you need me, my cell is 704-213-2134 and my home phone is 336-237-9868. I will still have my cell, but may be downgrading to a regular cell with just phone and text to save on money. I am not perfect I will falter, I may change my mind in my technology addicted weakness, but I will try to get better, have real life interactions, and start forming meaningful relationships. Don’t get me wrong all of you are important to me, and social media has given me a forum to talk to those I may not have talked to otherwise, but with that being said, at this time I need a break. Love and peace to all, and may you find what you are looking for in a life of uncertainty. -Amanda Bolz
Posted on: Mon, 28 Jul 2014 21:53:53 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015