An Insane Planetary Alignment? By Chris (beyond the threshold of insanity) Devaney The day started early. Way too early for me. There was only that false light through the window that promises the day will come in good time, but not yet. It was hot, steamy hot, and somewhat smelly in bed. Two puppies were lying side by side on my chest with their fannies facing my face. I was actually glad there was not really enough light to see in detail what I was looking at. I was also groggy but awake enough to know the dogs were making threatening intestinal noises at me. I knew that if I moved, all the dogs in the house would suddenly come alive all at once, barking, gnashing, jumping for joy at the new day, and ripping off blankets to make sure the rest of my body had not been eaten by one of the dogs during the night. If there is anything you don’t want to do early in the morning before sunup in this house, it is move. There is no turning the chaos off once it starts. On the other hand, the air surrounding my face was soon to be mortified from those ass cannons staring me in the eye. There wasn’t much time to think. Something had to be done before they farted, pooped and/or puked in reverse. I moved. Big mistake. I would have been better off gassed. The two dogs flew off me and farted somewhere else. Incoming! started his ritual of ripping blankets off the bed, Snoball began her non-stop barking at the rising sun and the puppies chimed in an octave plus a few notes higher, just enough to resonate off tune in one of my ears. The other ear oddly enough, seemed OK. Meanwhile, Shadow, the Blue Heeler jumped up on my chest to pin me down and engulf my nose with his mouth. Yelling during this facial treat, I have learned from experience, only serves to hook a nostril edge onto one of his teeth and then the bleeding starts. I pushed him straight back off my nose and he sat upon my rib cage. Then, he saw a fly. He hates flies. He lunged upward to snare it. I don’t know if he got it but gravity got hold of him and he came thumping right back down on my rib cage. Twice more he went after flies. That meant that the prayers I muttered came out soft and then loud at parts when he landed back on my body pushing out all the air I had sucked in for praying aloud. God thought I was making fun of deity. I was actually praying that the fly would not land on my eye or my bleeding nose. I even opted to use my tongue to catch the fly and swallow it so the dog would quit lunging. Then the puppies came back on the bed in a wrestling mass of a ball. I was able to sit up just enough to see that Sky had a steak knife in his mouth, blade first and Whodunnit? had the handle part and they were fighting over it. I don’t think I have ever seen anything more dangerous and stupid as this. In fact, I had to stop, shake my head spuing blood all over the pillow, and think if they had any sense at all? Sense or not, the panic button got pressed. Shadow got catapulted off my chest and I was able to grab both puppies by the hair on their neck and hold them in position so they wouldn’t saw their mouths off. Eventually they relinquished the knife and I allowed them to back away. Sister and Lightning were at the door howling and wanting out. I could see more light outside so I got up, and immediately stepped in poop barefoot. Then I watched in horror as Incoming! finally got the comforter off the bed and dragged it through the same clump of swill I just stepped in. I made it to the door zig-zagging around dogs, pushing them off me as they try to climb up my torso for some unknown and presumably vile reason, and I opened the door. The dogs cascaded out and as Incoming! tumbled out the door and down the steps my hand kissed the shit stain on the comforter as I swiped it out of his mouth upon passage. But I was still standing, and thats an encouraging start to the day. Very often they take my legs out from under me as they bolt through the opening howling, screaming, barking and dog cussing, but this time they didn’t. Maybe because I had puppy poop wedged between my toes. And as the last one blew past, I closed the door and for the first time in 11 years, I barricaded the door shut and I went back to bed. It took about ten minutes but eventually as I calmed down and the blood drained from my head and clotted in my nose, the stench of my toes and the fresh clump of molested poop by the bed kissed my nose and so, for the second time this morning, I got up in a huff to start the day. The day, however, did not get much better. I’m convinced that there is some kind of unnatural alignment of the planets that includes Pluto that is making the dogs go extra haywire . . . and they are enjoying every second of it. Yeah, I am afraid to go to sleep tonight for fear I will wake up in the morning.
Posted on: Wed, 09 Jul 2014 01:43:06 +0000
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