An accountant was passing a beggar in the street, and the man said I have not eaten for three days The accountant replied How does that compare with the same period last year? 3. A man calls a law office and hears Weinstein, Weinstein, Weinstein, Weinstein attorneys. May I help you? He says, Yes, may I speak to Mr. Weinstein. He is told, Im sorry Mr. Weinstein passed away two years ago. He says, Well, then can I speak to Mr. Weinstein. The voice on the phone replies, I am so sorry, Mr Weinstein retired last year. Frustrated he asks, Then, can I speak to M.r Weinstein?! He hears the reply, I am sorry, Mr. Weinstein is in court today. Finally, in total frustration he asks, May I speak to Mr. Weinstein. The voice on the other end of the phone replies, Speaking 4. A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, About 2 hours. The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door! and asked, How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around at the shop and said, About 3 hours. The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, About an hour and half. The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesnt ever come back. A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, So where does that guy go when he leaves? Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said. Your house. 5. Salesman: Maam, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half. Customer: Terrific! Give me two of them. 6. Q: What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French kitchen? A: Linoleum Blown-Apart! 7. A recent newsworthy item stated that there was a murder at the local fish market. A woman killed a gentleman just for the halibut. He was hard of herring, it was later found. 8. A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu: Broiled Missionary $10 - Fried Explorer $15 - Baked Politician $100. The Cannibal called the waiter over and asked, Why such a price difference for the politician? The waiter replied, Have you ever tried to clean one? 9. A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institutes of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab. One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadnt been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He invited the lab rabbit to join him. The lab rabbit was unsure, as he had never been outside the lab, but the wild rabbit finally convinced him to give it a try. Once they were free, the wild rabbit said, Ill show you the number-three best field, and took the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce. After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, Now Ill show you the number-two best field, and took the lab rabbit to a field full of carrots. After they had had their fill of carrots, the wild rabbit said, Now Ill show you the number-one best field, and took the lab rabbit to a warren of female bunnies. It was Heaven-nonstop lovemaking all night long. As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would have to be getting back to the lab. Why? said the wild rabbit. Ive shown you the number-three best field with the lettuce, the number-two best field with the carrots, and the number-one best field with the ladies. Why do you want to go back to the lab? The lab rabbit replied, I cant help it. Im dying for a cigarette! 10. A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the towns richest man, a leading CEO. The contributions manager cornered him after a Sunday service. Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $50,000,000, you give not a penny to charity Wouldnt you like to give back to the community in some way? The CEO mulled this over for a moment & replied, First, did your research also show that my mom is dying after a long illness, and had medical bills that are several times her annual income? Embarrased, the United Way rep mumbled Um...no. Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair? Or that my sisters husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her peniless with 3 kids? The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, I had no idea... On a roll, the CEO cut him off, ...So if I dont give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!!!
Posted on: Mon, 11 Nov 2013 11:10:39 +0000
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