An excerpt from my book, Come Alive: WRESTLING WITH THE UGLINESS OF MY SOUL By Coralee One day and one night I wrestled with the ugliness of my very own soul. One day and one night I wrestled with the ugliness of humankind. Everywhere I ran the noise in my head followed. I cried, “Is this the reward I get for my struggle? Is knowing my ugliness the crowning of my glory? My heart cried the humble tears of love I have come to know so well. Is this where love has brought me? My strength, my wisdom, my power, my compassion? I thought love would bring me to healing and peace. I was wrong...my uncompromising openness and respect for mankind has led me not to peace. It has led me to this noise in my head. It does not want me to feel, it never has. In some mistaken, protective maneuver my mind would rather drive me nuts with the noise than let me feel the fruits of my labor –To know all of me. Another day and another night I wrestled with the ugliness of my very own soul. Another day and another night I wrestled with the ugliness of humankind. Yet, it was love that had led me to this awakening. Why? I cry, Why must I see all of it --the undefinable love and joy as well as the dark, murky, suffocating ugliness? Is love not enough? Is wholeness love and hate? Does fighting the ugliness I have started to feel rising into my soul only leave me half aware, half whole? Or, must I stop and open my heart to it? Does standing, kneeling, lying in the Presence of Gods Light require me to love the ugliness too? I was wrong. I was wrong. It only comes from my heart. Yet my mind fights to know. It would have me doubt. It would have me run. My misunderstanding has given me much misery. Yet another day and another night I wrestled with the ugliness of my very own soul. These days and these nights I wrestled too with the ugliness of humankind. I sense the ugliness coming toward me. Was my wholeness and healing just in accepting it? Walking through it? Is God in this place? Is rage and murder and rape in this place? It is the ultimate in disrespect I so hate. Does God really want me to see this? Is He there with me or am I alone? Then on the day of Aha! and the night of Aha! the wrestling was over. Love was still the path. God was always there holding my hand. He showed me the ugliness of my very own soul and of humankind. And in this gift… He has shown me my wholeness and the wholeness of humankind.
Posted on: Wed, 03 Sep 2014 17:05:40 +0000