And Now on the Lighter Side: Executive Order: By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, and in order to prepare the Nation for the impacts of climate change by undertaking actions to enhance climate preparedness and resilience, and in addition to prepare the Untied States people for the complete destruction of the Pacific Ocean and the death of all fish in it in the next seventy years due to Fukushimas dumping three hundred tons of highly radioactive water into the Pacific each day that our NRC chairman told them to do, and due to the massive contamination of our water tables in nearly every state due to fracking and the potential for the meltdown of all cooling pools in the U.S. and in the entire world with any sizable solar flare, it is hereby ordered as follows: Section 1. Policy. The impacts of climate change -- including an increase in prolonged periods of excessively high temperatures, more heavy downpours, an increase in wildfires, more severe droughts, permafrost thawing, ocean acidification, and sea-level rise -- are already affecting communities, natural resources, ecosystems, economies, and public health across the Nation. Section 2. Application. It is hereby ordered that all U.S. citizen acquire up to two years supply of Iodine tablets due to the half life of I-129 being in the millions of years, that all pregnant women in the U.S. move to the Southern hemisphere to give birth to their babies (dont you know? I am big on health care), and that all U.S. citizens have in their possession at least ten three-particle masks in case of new air born leaks of radiation from Fukushima in addition to the hot particles already contaminating the U.S. that the previous president, I mean me, failed to inform the U.S. citizens about .... I imagine about now some of you may not be happy with this order but I just want to assure you that everything I have been doing besides playing lots of golf and flying out to Hawaii for vacations and totally ignoring talking to members of Congress on either side of the isle because I never really figured out how to listen to what people have to say is the right thing to do for the American people. Now then, where was I? Oh yes, in regard to increased surveillance of U.S. citizens via drones and warrantless searches of your homes I would like to reassure you that no member of the Supreme Court and especially not Chief Justice Roberts are being blackmailed by the NSA or FBI due to our monitoring all of their communications, email, phone calls, skype, etc. I mean, the quote attributed to Justice Roberts shortly after authorizing the legality of my Affordable Care Act in which he is supposed to have said to his wife, I am under so much stress that I may disappear for a few years without telling anyone where I am going. I know for a fact that those were not his exact words and he didnt really mean to say that anyway. Now then, be advised I am no weakling. Wherever I can act on my own I will and wherever I can ask more Americans to help out their government with tiny little sacrifices I will and oh by the way while speaking with Netflix CEO Hastings about corporations doing more of their fair share in raising employee wages he invited me to appear on their drama, House of Cards, which stars Kevin Spacey as a power hungry congressman named Francis Underwood. I said to Mr. Hastings, “I wish things were that ruthlessly efficient in my White House as Frances Underwood is in his White House. I was looking at Kevin Spacey. I was saying this guy is getting a lot of stuff done. Now then, where was I? Oh yes, I was saying that I dont really need Congress anymore to pass legislation because I can with the stroke of a pen create for example criminal law right here out of the Oval Office by forcing small or large corporations to swear they are not laying off employees due to the Affordable Care Act and that it is going to be really hard to impeach me because those Republicans are not going to get control of the Senate with enough votes to impeach me even though I ordered the murder of three U.S. citizens without evidence, due process, or regard to any of their constitutional rights even though our Navy Seals could have picked them up and brought them back to U.S. soil for trail. I had to see if my drones were up to snuff. And national defense is one of the most important things I do around here and dont you believe for a moment that Iran is two weeks away from getting an atomic bomb and that my Secretary of State Kerry is an absolute buffoon or was it a dumb duck someone called him in negotiating with Iran as we are doing. I mean, what options do I have? You know, we got to get along with our neighbors and at least I got us out of Iraq and Afghanistan. I mean, what idiot got us into those places. If Collin Powell had done his duty to his country and become president my job would be a lot easier because Collin told me personally that boots on the ground was never going to happen if he were president. He said to me, Our military policy in both Iraq and Afghanistan violates my three rules of engagement--that we have the clear support of the American people, a clearly defined and attainable goal, and a practical and flexible exit strategy. And people wonder why I as your president have fired over two hundred generals. Like duh? Or why my Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagal is cutting our armed forces back to pre World War II levels. I would rather that money go into food stamps than into military defense. Well, wont you? You know folks, North Korea got a bomb after all under President Bush. You cant blame that one on me no matter how hard some of you want to try to blame me for things I didnt really know about until I read it in the news just like you. And furthermore I just want to say to you and I am sure you will all agree with me on this that .....
Posted on: Fri, 28 Feb 2014 11:56:20 +0000
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