And now, an all-new episode of Cats of Our Lives! However, while the episode is new, the action actually takes place a couple of months ago. Thats right, now that we have our own page, Cats of Our Lives can do fancy stuff like ALL FLASHBACK EPISODES. But dont worry -- we havent jumped the shark until we add a new kitten. Warning: this is a long one. Editing is not a strong suit here at Cats of Our Lives. (Also, for background for this episode, you need to know that it was a long-running joke in my family that whenever a cat or a human passed, wed tell the remaining cat[s] that the departed had retired to French New Guinea. Yes, thats not a real country, but the family joke predates my grasp of geography, and apparently also that of my parents, who never corrected me.) INT. JILLS APARTMENT -- DAY -- TWO MONTHS AGO Jill walks into the apartment. Maggie and DeDe run up to her, DeDe meowing and Maggie winding around Jills legs. DEDE HEY HEY YO WHATS UP WHATS COOKIN WHATS SHAKIN WHATS THE HAPS HEY YO YO HI. MAGGIE You are HOME. I MISSED you. I LOVE you. JILL Oh, hi, guys. Good to see you, too. DEDE WAIT A MINUTE. DIDNT YOU HAVE SAMMY WITH YOU WHEN YOU LEFT? MAGGIE OMG, thats right. Where is SAMMY? Did he get a JOB? Is he on VACATION? JILL Okay, guys, I dont want you to worry, but I had to take Sammy to the doctor. MAGGIE OOH, did he go see Dr. Beth? I LOVE Dr. Beth. Tell her I say HI. HI Dr. Beth! DEDE I SEEM TO RECALL YOU FLEEING UNDER A TABLE TO GET AWAY FROM DR. BETH. MAGGIE That was MOMENTARY PANIC. I like Dr. Beth in RETROSPECT. Dr. Beth is NICE. DEDE NICE PEOPLE DONT STICK STUFF UP YOUR BUTT AND CALL YOU FAT. MAGGIE They do if you LIKE that. (beat) Sometimes I go on the INTERNET and see stuff that I find CONFUSING. DEDE WHATEVER. ANYWAY, IM NOT TAKING THE MEDICAL WORD OF SOMEONE WHO GOES BY DR. BETH. WHERE DID SHE GET HER DEGREE, ROMPER ROOM? MAGGIE You are just bad about the FAT THING. DEDE YEAH, WELL, TYRA AINT EXACTLY CALLING YOU UP FOR THE PETITE CYCLE, EITHER. MAGGIE What does THAT mean? DEDE DR. BETH CALLED YOU FAT, TOO. MAGGIE She did NOT. She said she did not want me to GAIN any more weight. DEDE YEAH, THATS YOUR MOM IS PAYING ME HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS FOR GIRL, YOU FAT. JILL Sammy had to go to the special animal hospital because of a problem with his heart. Its serious, but theyre taking good care of him. MAGGIE OMG! His HEART? That is SERIOUS! That is SCARY! Sammy could DIE! OMGEEEEEEEEEEEE! DEDE EH. HE LIFTS RIGHT OUT. MAGGIE WHAT? How can you SAY that? DEDE OKAY, LOOK. BEFORE WE LIVED WITH JILL -- MAGGIE Who is JILL? DEDE (sighs) THE MAMA FETCHPERSON FOOD LADY. MAGGIE Oh. Okay. That is WEIRD that she has ANOTHER NAME. DEDE YOU NAMED HER THE MAMA FETCH... THING. SHE HAD A NAME BEFORE THAT. MAGGIE She named me MAGGIE. I had a NAME before that TOO. It was Princess Martika SparkleEyes Gingerella Consuela Fluffernica Alla-- DEDE ENOUGH! ANYWAY, BEFORE JILL, WE HAD MOM, RIGHT? MAGGIE You mean OTHER MAMA LADY? DEDE (sighs) YEAH. BUT SAMMY AND ROSCOE LIVED WITH JILL FIRST. MAGGIE Oh, yeah. Whatever HAPPENED to OTHER MAMA and ROSCOE? DEDE THEY MOVED TO FRENCH NEW GUINEA TO LIVE WITH DAD AND NIGEL AND JUNO, THE CAT WHO LIVED WITH THEM BEFORE ME. MAGGIE Where is THAT? DEDE SOMEPLACE TROPICAL. YOU GO THERE WHEN YOU RETIRE. ITS NICE AND WARM AND THERES SUPER FINE SAND THAT DOESNT HURT YOUR PAWS BUT YOU CANT VISIT THERE BECAUSE THEY HAVE REALLY STRICT TOURIST VISA REQUIREMENTS. MAGGIE Oh. DEDE SO MY *POINT* IS, JILL AND SAMMY AND ROSCOE WERE A FAMILY, AND WE AND MOM WERE A FAMILY, AND JILL LIVED WITH MOM BEFORE SHE GREW UP, AND ROSCOE ALREADY RETIRED TO FRENCH NEW GUINEA, SO BASICALLY SAMMY HAS THE LEAST ROOTS HERE AND LIFTS RIGHT OUT. MAGGIE Oh my GOD! That is SO MEAN! That is the MEANEST THING you EVER -- wait a minute. DEDE WHAT? MAGGIE DeDe. Are you just PRETENDING not to CARE because you are REALLY worried about SAMMY and you think PRETENDING will make you LESS SCARED? DEDE NO. MAGGIE DeDe. DEDE ... yes. MAGGIE DEDE! You care the MOST after all. JILL Anyway, Sammy is going to be okay. He just needs to be in the hospital a couple of days and then when he comes home, hell need to take medicine from now on. But then hell feel a lot better. MAGGIE HOORAY! See, DeDe, you worried for NOTHING. You are just a BIG OLD SOFTIE. DEDE IF YOU EVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS, I WILL TOTALLY RIP YOUR FACE OFF YOUR FACE. MAGGIE OOH. Then I bet Id have to go see DR. BETH. She is NICE. DEDE Grrrrrr. THE END
Posted on: Wed, 23 Oct 2013 20:30:53 +0000
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