And so midnight approaches, I have a cup of tea at my side, have spent the day around many friends, and already celebrated this birthday several weeks before amongst many other great faces and close compadres. I have laughed a lot this last year. I have considered compressing the year into one long video but I didnt have the emotional strength to make it through trying to do that for just one month, let alone twelve beautiful times. Thats what the channel is for. The various updates in varying quality, showing the smiles and those I surround myself with in so many situations. The days that passed. The ones that rushed and those that crawled. And I think to myself, this time last year, I was sat on a bed in New York city pondering where I would be, who I would see, what I would do to mark turning twenty eight. It felt ancient. I felt old. Who would love me at twenty eight? Who would care about my existence? I still wonder that sometimes, but less than I did then. I remember trying to record how I felt - the excitement, fear, courage, sadness… I remember the overall feeling being lonely - lonesome, as many friends were busy or working that day, and because many others were back in England only too eager to join me but unable to afford the journey. I remember feeling an immense need to be around familiar faces. To be hugged for long, long periods of time. To be held. I needed that, and I didnt really get it. And that was OK. I found comfort in my own ways. I ventured to the bars that felt familiar, that a waitress I had fallen for worked at. She wasnt there. I ate at a tourist trap that I adore, called Bubba Gumps Shrimp. It was good. I walked throughout the city thinking of the birthdays of the two years before, and the two before that. Both surrounded by friends. Right then, I walked alone, except for some headphones and Ed Sheerans + album playing. I listened to that a lot in New York - first because I was surprised that itd come out months after Id last been there and now was my time to experience it, but also because I found comfort in the familiarity, in the friends it made me think of, and in the safety offered. That trip to New York made me afraid for so many things. The first was that I had just quit my job. Ive been freelance for a year and it has been tough but my parents have helped me through a lot of it. The next was that I was going to miss my existing friends in the music scene - Kal, Antonio, Ryan and more. The next being that Id just made friends with a new group of people I wasnt going to see. Essentially I was afraid of the uncertain. This year I am certain of a lot more, but still things hang in the balance. I am still single, I havent really nurtured any romance in that time. Ive kissed, Ive chanced, Ive been shot down. Ive built friendships, met hundreds of people, spoke with love and positivity, drank far too often, laughed, hugged, smiled, and woke up alone. Ive craved popularity, equally despising what the very concept makes me think of. Ive sought the easy way out and then righted myself from that. And Ive decided that those routes werent for me. Werent my path. I think Ive grown a fair bit, but I still feel like Im just a child learning and growing slowly. Im going to do my best not to let you down. My heart breaks when I think of all the time Ive wasted - reaching out but too afraid to take it - Ive been so damn close I can almost taste it. Can you taste it? Weve got to make it count.
Posted on: Thu, 29 May 2014 22:22:44 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015