And then we reached this day. The 1st October 2013. Phil and I woke up after very very little sleep at around 6am. The first thing we did was check our phones to make sure we hadnt missed any calls. Both phones, no calls. Good sign right? ... We were hoping. We knew today we were having to make the worst choice of our lives. How should our baby girl die and when? ... Heartbroken and crushed. Numb to the core. I couldnt eat anything that morning, I couldnt eat anything all day I was scared to leave Megans bedside incase she went and I wasnt there to say goodbye. I sat numb for quite some time then decided i needed to go straight to Megan, my be all and end all was lying there in PICU alone without her mummy and daddy, I didnt care about eating or drinking. We sat down next to Megan, and I could see myself she was so much weaker than the day before. Her colour had changed and her heart rate dropping and picking up way too much. Then all of a sudden, Alarm bells ringing, I looked up, Oxygen dropping fast, heart rate NIL. The nurse shouting across PICU Can we get some help in here? That help was for our Megan. She had gone into Cardiac Arrest, I shot out the way as all the doctors and nurses came rushing in, I screamed so much I didnt care about any other parent or patient in PICU at that time, I was stood numb to the spot as Vanessa came and jumped on my little girl pounding her chest as another nurse was bagging her!! Was this is? We didnt make any choices, Megan was making her own. Was this how we was going to loose her with someone jumping on her chest like that? It was horrific but we understood it was needed to try bring her back .... Eventually Megan came back but now was extremely unstable. Vanessa came and spoke to us and asked us if we knew what we wanted to do for Megan, and had said Im pretty sure you dont want her going like that all tubed up and being jumped on She was right. Megans arrest that morning was a sign that she was saying Im sorry, but I am too tired to go on. Please let me go Devastated, My husband and I asked each consultant nurse doctor surgeon Knowing Megan as you do and what she has been through, if she was your child what would you be doing now? We didnt want them to tell US what to do, we just needed to hear from a medical point of view what THEY would do in OUR situation ... Noone was asked at the same time as another yet each and everyone of them said the same thing. Im not confident enough she will make it through to surgery, I Would turn the machine off We were told they didnt even think she would last long after the machine was turned off, we were pre warned some people last a couple of days .. others are very quick and we were told that they all felt Megan would be quick. We sat in pain numb not knowing what choice to choose, it was like a million and one people asking me a million and one questions at the same time and I didnt know who to answer first. We sat and spoke, As we discussed the option of surgery, Megan gave us her sign and dropped her SATS and heart rate again. We knew what we had to do. We sent out the message for those wanting to come say goodbye need to do so now. Time was not on our side. By 4pm everyone gathered round saying their goodbyes, The children came in, Rebekah broke down in tears, Taylor he didnt really understand. We asked Rebekah if she would like to do Megans final prints. Her hand and foot prints. I think this gave her some comfort. Afterwards I led on the bed with Megan, a few moments later Megan began to arrest I jumped off the bed shouting get the kids out !!! I knew from that same morning just how horrific this next part was going to be and I did not want my kids seeing this and it being their last memory of Megan. Thankfully Megan picked up again. Phil and I looked at each other and we knew it was time. We still had people on route to say goodbye but my biggest concern was Megan, we couldnt leave her suffering like this for sake of someone wanting to come say goodbye. We said our goodbyes to everyone, The final goodbyes were said to megan and as everyone walked out in tears we were left numbstruck with what to do now. By this point it was 7.30pm. We told the nurse it was time, and one by one each tube came out and the monitors turned off. This was it. We were left behind closed curtains with our precious baby girl to watch her die. I laid next to her for some time but it didnt feel right, so I picked her up. I held her in my arms as she took small shallow breathes. She was in no pain, and was asleep in my arms. I passed Megan to her daddy, and her shallow breathes continued. By this point we were now worried, is she trying to fight this? did we read the signs wrong? Phil then passed Megan back to me, She took another shallow breath, and paused, Then another shallow breath ....... then no more ... Our baby girl was gone. Her chest rose and fell for the final time at 8.05pm on the 1st October 2013. The Consultant then came in ten minutes later .. (as he was not present at the time the last breathe was drawn he had to record it at the time he came in) He listened for Megans heart, checked her breathing and felt for a pulse ... Then looked up and said Her heart has completely stopped. Time of Death 8.15pm) We miss you so much Princess xx Nothing will take this pain away.
Posted on: Wed, 01 Oct 2014 07:12:42 +0000
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