And thus began the account of Andrew, the 200 pound Hobbit of Vegas-Shire. On the second day, of the twelfth month, in the 2013th year of the second age (at about the 7th hour), there awoke a twice-halfling named Andrew. Andrew awoke long after his expected time, as his alarm-dwarf named Apple did not initiate the morning siren at the appropriate moment. Apple received ten lashings and a very stern battery depletion for this crime, but we are straying from the point. As Andrew hurriedly assembled his belongings for the long journey to the dreaded and wasteful land of Los Angelesham, with the intention of clocking in at his place of employment, he was reminded of the wise words of an ancient wizard of old: One does not simply walk into Los Angelesham. So he saddled his noble steed, named Altima, a creature of the Nissan Clan (and capable of running at speeds of up to 120 kilometers an hour), and before they knew it, they had leaped into the river known as The 5. Now, Andrew and Altima knew the journey would be long and arduous, but they had not planned on departing from The 5 River until they were nearly at their destination. But life, as they soon discovered, has a way of sweeping us off to unexpected places. And the only foes capable of causing this detour were, in fact, the Traffic Trolls. The Traffic Trolls were treacherous beasts, and Andrew knew he and Altima could not overtake them by using mere force. So he turned to his trusty ally, an Application on his cellular device known for helping hobbits avoid Traffic Trolls. Andrew knew this was a risky endeavor. He had never strayed from the river he had known for so long. But time was short, and with one jolt of courage, he steered Altima into the unknown........ First was the River of the 91 Nymphs. Then came the Stream of the 605 Goblins. And after the River of the 105 Dark Elves, Andrew and Altima grew weary, and had nearly lost all hope. But after gaining sustenance from a banana he had packed the night before, Andrew gained energy to take on, as it was formerly called, the Mighty River of the 710 Orcs. This was a long and lonesome River. An isolated cornucopia of nothingness. But Andrew fought valiantly. And as Altima gained velocity, they started to believe one potential: That they could make it. With four rivers left, the inevitable truth remained: They would no doubt encounter a dragon along the way. But that fact must be put aside. On they went, swerving onto the River of the 10 Gargantuan Spiders, and back on to the River they had known, The 5. And finally, after conquering the Brook of the 134 Leadfoots, they came upon the final River. Just preceding the final battle, a message from the Grey Wizard known as Journey embedded a message into Andrews brain: Dont Stop Believin. And so they approached the dragon, A fire-breather known as Cahuenga. Cahuenga was a scaly, smelly creature. Thin, but terrifying. Andrew had but one chance to end the reign of this beastly tyrant. He used the force field of an old friend named Lankershim, avoided the fire from Cahuenga, and pulled a sword from his sheath. The sword was given to him by a Hispanic Street Vendor named Juan. The sword was appropriately named Mango. The sword, in fact, was an actual mango. But that is neither here nor there. Mango flew straight and true, plunging into Cahuengas heart, and forever ending the age of oppression he and the Traffic Trolls had caused on the Twice Hobbits of Commuter-Shire. Andrew did in fact make it to his place of work that day. And on time, I might add. And thus ends the account of Andrew. One of many courageous Double Halflings braving the mighty rivers of Los Angelesham. And so friends, let us never forget the tale known as The Twice-Hobbit: The Desolation of Smog.
Posted on: Mon, 02 Dec 2013 20:05:13 +0000
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