Another friend recently reached out to me to tell me that she couldnt stay, on the heals of the 1 year anniversary of my friend Dans passing. Ive written some things on the importance of bringing struggles with mental wellness and suicide out of the shadows of shame. As a self-advocate, I struggle with the diagnosis of having bi-polar depression, anxiety, OCD and also suffer with chronic pain. What I dont struggle with is dealing with these challenges silently. Sure, some friends may be pushed away or voluntarily remove themselves becasue they need a turn at practicing their own self care, but when you reach out, you seldom will feel completely alone. I am going to share with you something that I wrote on the anniversary eve of Dans passing as well as a cover of a song that moves me in such an emotional way that I feel the connection and the loss of people that have come and gone in my life since my birth. The stigmas and misconceptions surrounding mental health and suicide are not barriers that only survivors need to continually challenge, grow and learn from. Our entire society must become aware of two things in order to begin to heal one another; any person we come in contact with can be struggling with mental wellness and we, ourselves could be struggling and need to come out from what we think is a right to privacy about our struggles and move into a mode of visibility as a powerful tool for advocacy, education and empowerment. The inability to maintain mental wellness increases a struggling persons shame and anxiety, it creates a stronger dependency to self-medicate and severely affects additional symptoms of depression including physical chronic pain, isolation, eating and sleeping disorders. As normalized living shifts to that of disorder, disconnection, loneliness and desperation, the feelings of being connected to others lessens. There is less belief of having value or purpose within ones own life, let alone others lives. The guilt of leaving or hurting others by taking ones own life is taken over by these very dark, irrational thoughts that the body and the mind can no longer battle with. Nutritionally starved, sleep deprived and often addicted or impaired, the person who has been battling suicidal ideations has gone through all of the stages of grief; silently, secretly, shamefully on their own. What is the last stage of grief? Acceptance. However, for a person who is suicidal, they are now accepting that there is no longer hope for change, hope for forgiveness, hope for understanding, hope for recovery, hope for compassion. There just isnt even hope for hope. In that regards, it is hard to argue that suicide is a choice, because a choice implies the ability to make decisions based on options. When you have nothing left, feel no connections or obligations, the thoughts of everyone being better off without you occupy every thought and direct every action until the attempt to take ones life has been made... or until the attempt to help someone TAKE BACK their life is made. The more we learn from one another, the more we can reach out as self-advocates, survivors and supporters. I can share these words with you today because of the support and intervention of friends, professionals, medications, music, art, advocating, volunteering and loving. Every day I find a purpose and surround myself with people who keep me connected. I am not always this strong and sometimes the darkest thoughts creep in and slowly infiltrate my well being by making me feel weak, powerless, worthless. Sometimes those dark moments push others away and sometimes they make me so emotional and angry that I scream for people to get out of my life, I do things to make them go away. Those people who really know me and love me know that what I am really saying is that I am hurting, I am afraid and I dont want you to see me feeling vulnerable. Vulnerability is a scary thing, but, when you surround yourselves with unconditional love, vulnerability brings out the beauty, compassion, resilience and commitment that gets us all through the darkness and lets us live on, continuing to illuminate and inspire. https://youtube/watch?v=lchC5sQepqE
Posted on: Tue, 28 Oct 2014 19:19:19 +0000
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