Anyone who knows me well knows why Christmas can be a sad time for me but every year, I try to make the best of it and every year I say to myself this is the year that I find total peace in the holiday. Well, even though I thought this would be my year, my subconscious haunts me once more. I spend weeks preparing for this time of year. I start listening to Christmas music in my car the beginning of November, I decorate the outside of my house before the weather turns bitter and inside the weekend after Thanksgiving. I shop, not only for myself, but for my dad and, at times, my hubby. I bake cookies, not for me, but for my family and not only do I prepare my house, I prepare others too. My dads place is squeaky clean and decorated for Christmas Eve and my menu for there is planned. Today I plan on catching up with my home, not that I get any visitors, its just what I do. I am baking cookies as I am posting this for my husband to take to his dart party and have to make a trip to Hell-Mart for my dad who needs some last minute items. Although we cant control the weather, I look forward to snow for the holiday, driving around looking at Christmas lights, sitting in my living room starring at my Christmas tree, watching Christmas movies. So, why am I sitting here with a lump in my throat and a tear running down my face? Maybe because I feel lonely or want my loved ones to see how hard I work at trying to make them happy and maybe, just maybe someone could see the pain in my heart that every year this time haunts me. I may be rough around the edges, but I will go above and beyond for the ones I love and care about and would like a thank you and/or I love you from time to time. No matter how hard Ive tried to erase a certain time of my life out of my mind, my heart always reminds me that I have never known a mothers love and once a year, on the anniversary of that person not wanting me anymore, unfortunately has to be Christmas, makes my heart heavy. So, everything I do in preparation and to make me and others happy for this time of year is quickly erased by ghosts of Christmass past. Now, I wish I could just go to bed and wake up on January 2nd. My Christmas wish to all of you is to find peace and love and happiness not only during the holiday season but all year round. Hold onto your babies and let them know how much you love them....they will remember always and never forget!
Posted on: Tue, 23 Dec 2014 11:50:56 +0000
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