Are You Dating A Bully? How Violence In Relationships Isn’t Always Physical When you hear a group of laughing teens, does your mind circle back to high school mean girls? When you see your boss coming toward your desk at work, do you immediately cringe in the fear that you’ll be reprimanded? Well, there’s an explanation for all that. Recent studies show that the effects of bullying are similar to those of war and other traumas. In other words, victims of bullying can experience similar PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) symptoms to that of a war veteran. Bullying can change the way a victim walks, talks, acts and reacts to situations. Just as a threat of war may put a soldier into fighting mode, a petty insult may immediately spark someone to flashback to her timid schoolgirl self, making her feel as though she’s reliving the torture. If the victim feels threatened — whether he or she is actually a bullying victim or not — the feeling can feel much like inescapable entrapment. Bullying is an iteration of emotional abuse, which can be indirect and difficult to dissect. Sometimes, it truly isn’t what you say, but how you say it. Check out these several characteristics of emotional abuse: 1. Gaslighting Gaslighting can be described as a brainwashing mechanism. When someone calls you too sensitive, or otherwise minimizes your feelings, especially if your frustration is warranted, this person is gaslighting you. Perhaps the abuse was unintentional, but the effect is still a feeling of a lack of respect. Other times, like if someone presents false information or denies events totally, the abuser is acting in a way that is knowingly manipulative, which can cause one to feel unstable or crazy. 2. Criticisms And Taunting We all appreciate a good dirty joke, but even the subtlest attempts at comedy can sabotage a person’s self-esteem. Last year, my friend had a boyfriend who would constantly pick on her weight. He would jokingly call her a pig, which may seem harmless, but he didn’t stop after she told him that she found his comments offensive. He continuously spoke of her size in a blatantly cruel way, like by telling her she wouldn’t fit into the shirt she wanted to buy or by saying that she looked like she hadn’t hit the gym in some time. If a partner habitually criticizes something about you, it could be a glaring red flag. 3. Mind Control If someone reprimands you in a way that may alter the way you see yourself, someone may be seeking to change you callously. It could mean that someone is nagging you about your makeup or screaming at you for finishing the pizza. The actions may escalate to higher manipulations, like forbidding you to see friends or getting scary if you do something the bully doesn’t like. The bully may claim only to be offering suggestions to help you because he or she cares about you, but proceed with caution. If someone loves you, he or she will appreciate your idiosyncrasies and send positive energy. If he or she claims to be always correct and that you are always wrong, the goal is to make you believe everything he or she says and to diminish your independent thoughts. 4. Blackmail And Threats When you’re in any relationship, you should feel at ease being yourself. If you oppose anything your partner says, he or she might try to threaten you and make you do what he or she wants instead. You may downplay a “threat” as something that isn’t serious or deliberate, especially if the abuser has an illness, disability or some other ailment. But, a loved one should never feel the need to blackmail you. 5. Lying Deception is an effective method of control. You may never know if someone’s actually telling the truth, especially if he or she is skilled at covering tracks or fabricating evidence. He or she may go so far as to claim to be suicidal. You’ll likely tell yourself that no person would lie about something so serious, but if you prove to be totally reliable in these situations, you’ll succumb to feelings of responsibility and codependency. Do not become your bully’s babysitter. Remember: relationships are reciprocal and require give and take. While love is unconditional, your partner must requite your loyalty.
Posted on: Thu, 23 Jan 2014 21:20:00 +0000
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