Are you choosing your partner every day? Here the english version of my blog: Relationships can be a very sad place. Often partners who feel constantly misunderstood, unable to communicate constructively and fail to create enough positivity in their relationship, will end up frustrated, heartbroken and sad, even regretful. Around half of those couples get divorced and the other half stays together due to kids or other reasons. And the relationship turns into anything else than a loving joyful place. But do relationships have to be a sad place where couples feel lonely and constantly having to relationship problems? John Gottman defines that 69% of all problems in the relationships are perpetual problems, meaning they are non solvable. And this is true for all relationships. Meaning that if we separate or divorce from our partner and find another partner, we will be confronted with another set of 69% of recurring issues. Therefore the divorce rate of second marriages is even 10% higher than the first one. So how comes that some couples can overcome these problems which others can’t? The answer does not lie in the type of problems nor it is about the right partner. The difference is in the way these couples engage in conflicts. The difference is in the way they start an argument, the way they exchange opinions and how they close their fights. You can find many tools to have a good and constructive conflict, which I have mentioned in my earlier blog as well. From empathic listening to non-violent communication, stating your needs rather than blaming your partner etc. are all useful tools leading to a positive outcome. But there is more. I have observed that couples that are not constantly on the verge of breaking up but keep a stable positive atmosphere in their relationship present a distinctive difference compared to those who probably will end up in a divorce or in a sad and regretful relationship. These couples, who manage their problems show a characteristic which in my opinion is the key to “break of make”. The answer is the mindset they have. Couples who accept each other’s faults and “choose each other every day new again” are most likely to make it. Last weekend me and my partner were invited to friends for dinner who happen to be our neighbors. During our conversation, which was about relationships, my friend mentioned something really wise I want to use here. She said that “relationships require constant work and that every day one should choose their partner new again. Every day you should think to yourself why you would choose your partner.” The key here is that even though they are confronted with the same amount of problems and live probably the same frustrations, these couples don’t regret, these couples don’t go into “if my partner would only be more caring” or “if I could have seen these sides before, I would not have been here today” thinking pattern. Partners who are unsatisfied and look for excuses for their unhappiness are prone to be unhappy, sad and bitter in their relationships. Partners who constantly look for faults and mistakes of the other, will only see those sides. These partners look for perfection, which does not exist. Couples on the other hand, who choose their reality as opposed to be victim of circumstances (which is the bad behavior of their partners) don’t go into desperation with a fight. They fight, recover and move on. And more importantly these couples steer their reality into what they want and know is best for them instead of creating self-fulfilling prophecies. They don’t want to change their partners nor they want to exchange them. They choose each other every day new again with all their mistakes. Yasemin Demirtas
Posted on: Fri, 28 Jun 2013 06:09:13 +0000
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