As I age another day I realize that life is such a wonderful journey filled with many joys and happy moments and I wish it to continue to be so. It is also filled with sad and painful realities for which we have no control over. I view life as a challenge that I have come to humbly accept. I am not perfect nor will I ever be but I know in my heart I am trying to be the best I can. I am very blessed. I have many wonderful and precious things to be grateful for in my life. I have a son I adore. I have a wife who is a part of my life. My most precious gift I have is the bond I have with my son. I had happy times as a child and had loving parents who taught me to live and appreciate life and do my very best even if I stumble along the way. I also have a loving bond with my two sisters who understand and accept me. There were times when I have struggled in my life and wanted to leave my existence behind because I was afraid to face my biggest fears. I hid and ran away from the truth. I lived with a painful secret. I cried many times. I was depressed for most of my life. I hated who I was. I was in emotional pain. I wanted to die. I just wanted to be free to be my true self. Thats all I ever wanted. It was never that simple though. No one would understand. I would be ridiculed. I would be laughed at. I wasnt able to be the real me. I had to pretend to be someone else. I became good at it. No one knew. Only I did. It was my disguise. The only times I was really me was behind my bedroom door as a child and under the covers where I wore an adorable dress that was my sisters but was held for her because it was too big. I wanted it so bad that one day I took it and luckily no one ever realized it. I wore it for as long as I could until sadly it no longer fit me. I was very distraught about not having a dress to wear anymore and I was so very sad. I cried and dreamed I was a princess in her beautiful gown. It was my fantasy. I only could dream about it. I had to begrudgingly accept that I was not the girl I wished I was. I was a boy and I absolutely hated it. I was miserable. I felt totally detached. I was completely lost and emotionless. I had to live my life as a boy but in my heart I was a girl. It was very hard for me. I never could tell anyone, not even my parents. I had no friends and I was painfully shy. I never knew why I felt this way but I knew one day that things would be right. I wasnt sure when or how but I knew somehow, someway it would happen. I was a young teenager at the cusp of adolescence when I realized the painful reality I was about to face. I was desperate. I wanted to somehow avoid the painful truth. I prayed and hoped to no avail. It was the saddest day of my youth. I couldnt prevent what was about to happen. I just had to come to terms with it and accept the cards that were dealt to me. I always felt like a girl. I envisioned myself in the most prettiest of dresses and shoes with my vision of white and pink tights to add to the ensemble. I was a girl in my dreams, my mind, my heart and my soul and that was the clearest vision of who I truly was. I learned to somehow manage and live through my heartache and pain and I realized some truly wonderful things in my life. I graduated college. I started my career. I eventually married and became a father. These were all truly wonderful things. I also realized many sad and painful things. I lost my mother many years ago. Eventually I would also lose my dad. I saw the happy and the sad in my life. I also realized the painful reality that I would never escape my gender struggle. I had to make the most difficult decision of my life which I anguished over for most of my life. When I tried to reconcile my internal conflict and tried to understand the ramifications no matter what I decided I knew it would be very hard. I really had no one to talk to and it was the most difficult thing for me to face personally. I had to decide and the tipping point for me was when I realized that I would rather be dead if I could not be free to be the little girl I knew I was in my heart as a 3 year old confused little boy. I had to be very sensitive with my family, especially my son. I also had to find the most appropriate way to announce it to my job, my sisters, my relatives and my friends. It was not easy and I felt very conflicted. I however forged on and now feel more empowered because I finally have come to understand and accept who I am and I also know that my son and family are my most important priorities. I am finally that little girl blossoming into a young, delicate, feminine and very caring woman. Love, Emily Iannielli
Posted on: Mon, 12 Jan 2015 01:23:27 +0000
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