As anybody with a brain has figured out by now, everything were being told about Ebola by government authorities is a distortion, a contradiction or an outright lie. But what are the best lies and contradictions weve heard so far? Heres the list: #1) We are wearing space suits just because they make us look cool. Theres absolutely no risk that Dr. Spencer infected anyone in New York City, which is why we are going to closely monitor four people he came into contact with. We do that because we like to monitor random people for no real reason. #2) We are fully prepared for an outbreak which will never happen. There is almost zero risk of Ebola ever coming to New York City, which is exactly why we have been preparing for an Ebola outbreak in New York City. #3) Ebola is so hard to catch that we cant believe anyone managed to catch it. Ebola is hard to catch. Its so hard to catch that the worlds best-trained doctors accidentally caught it without even knowing they did. We dont understand how this happens, unless Ebola was easy to catch, which it isnt. Trust us. We are expert virologists when were not running for office and making political promises well never keep. #4) Please quarantine yourself even though you dont need to. Ebola cant possibly be spread by people who dont show any symptoms, but we would prefer that doctors who return from West Africa quarantine themselves for 21 days even when they show no symptoms. But even when doctors break those self-quarantine rules, we will praise them and talk about how much they tried to limit their exposure to the public. #5) Riding the subway is a form of self-quarantine. Dr. Spencer is so awesome! He tried to limit his exposure to the public, and he did that by riding the subway, sharing an UBER vehicle and hanging out at bowling alleys with his fingers touching his [bowling] balls. Because, yknow, the very best way to quarantine yourself is to go out in public. How could anyone not know that? Shouldnt we give Dr. Spencer a humanitarian award of some kind for putting the safety of others ahead of his own social needs? #6) Please deposit all biomedical viral waste in the nearest public trash can. Here in New York City, we like to use public trash cans to dispose of biomedical waste thats contaminated with Ebola virus. (Thats what NYPD cops were just caught on camera doing.) Because we figure the rats in NYC already carrying at least 18 deadly viruses anyway, so why not give em some Ebola to see what mutations might happen? What could possibly go wrong? #7) Stopping public awareness of Ebola is far more important than stopping Ebola. In the great city of New York, we have decided that the real risk is not from Ebola itself but from public awareness of Ebola. Thus, instead of going out of our way to stop Ebola, we are focusing our efforts on stopping awareness of Ebola. Because its far better for the public to be ignorant than afraid. In fact, thats pretty much also how we run the New York City budget, too. #8) Everything tests negative. Whew! As part of our effort to calm public fears, we are going to tell you that everybody who once had Ebola now tests negative for Ebola. Its all cleared! We tested the nurses from Dallas, and it came up negative. We tested the friends of Thomas Duncan, and they came up negative. Heck, we even tested the Ebola virus for Ebola and it came up negative too. Thank goodness Ebola is now Ebola free. #9) Enhanced airport screening catching everything except Ebola. Just to calm public fears, we are going to stage some medical theater for you at the airports, acting like we are stopping people with Ebola from entering the country. ...People like Dr. Spencer, of course, who walked right through our enhanced screening procedures because, well, its all just for show anyway. If youre wondering why such medical theater is necessary, refer to point #7, above. #10) Twenty isolation hospital beds and 100,000 body bags... hmmm... We are all so totally prepared for an Ebola outbreak in New York City that we have a whopping 20 hospital beds ready with viral isolation capabilities. And just in case that doesnt work, weve got 100,000 body bags ready to deploy. Its sort of a Plan B approach, but were pretty sure that wont ever be necessary as long as all Ebola carriers self-quarantine by riding the subway and visiting bowling alleys, which we fully endorse because we are government authorities who always know what we are talking about.
Posted on: Tue, 28 Oct 2014 09:36:26 +0000
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