As most of you know, my mom has had some health problems for quite a few years now. What most people dont know is how poorly I have dealt with not only her health problems, but also her decisions on how to treat them. Since the very first time the doctors said her kidneys were failing, and it would be a long slow process; I have desperately wanted to do something to help. Of course, my version of doing something has been very different than the something that she actually wanted and needed. I wanted to give her my kidney, only to be met with her rejection. Well, even though I maintained the relationship with her, I have held in so much anger because she wouldnt let me even try to help save her life. She refused to even discuss it. The years have come and gone. Last month, she had the port implanted in her arm to begin dialysis. This spiraled in me so many emotions that I couldnt begin to decipher them. There were horrific nightmares, tears, and just violent outbursts of fear that I really couldnt even put into words. I am absolutely terrified of losing my mom, because shes always been an anchor of logical reasoning when my ability to rationalize escapes me. Because shes always been my defense, on so many levels. She fought with my dad for me. She fought the school system for me. She was over protective and sheltered me to an extreme, only because she was doing what she believed was in my best interest. She tried to run over boys for my protection lol. She hid my birth certificate (tho she doesnt admit that) to keep me within the US, even tho I figured out how to get a duplicate lol. She stayed in an abusive relationship, for me. She was there in the scariest moments of my life. She was there when boys broke my heart. She kept me sane through my pregnancy, when Donald was away. She even called the police on my behalf determined to convince them that I had not robbed Stephens Station haha. She was there when I overdosed. She brought my baby girl to see me when I was hospitalized. Rather than insisting we get a divorce, she simply told us BOTH to get our shit straight. No, I dont want to lose the woman who has always displayed strength and who has never given up on me, even through my times of extreme rebellion. What I failed to realize, though, that by holding on to my fears of losing her, by being angry at her for not taking my organ offer, I in fact pushed her away. My sister told me I have to make peace with it. But I didnt know how. And then I thought about the time when Tori wanted to spend her money on groceries, and I wouldnt let her. I pondered on that. Would I let Tori go through an evasive surgery and give me one of her organs? Absolutely not! So I began to realize that my moms denial of my kidney offer what one of the truest actions of sacrificial love she has ever displayed. But I felt so deeply ashamed for my years of being angry at her, that I couldnt even bare to call her. Or any of my family. For like 2 weeks. Now, yesterday, she began her dialysis. She had to stay overnight in the hospital and they broke up the first time into 2. Id like to say to my mom publicly, Mom I love you and you really have been the best mom I ever could have asked for. Thank you for always having my back, even when I didnt want you to. Thank you for all the sacrifices youve ever made for me. And Im sorry for all these days of not calling, not visiting like I should. I had to find my peace. I love you always!
Posted on: Thu, 22 Jan 2015 19:27:54 +0000
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