As parents we know that as we get older, our children quickly become the answer to the question of why we are here. They become the reason for everything that we have built, and the reason for sustaining it all—to provide, to protect and to remain present for them, so that they may have a better life than we had. However when you lose a child it is utterly disorienting. The reality that so much is out of your hands sets in. Things you thought you could control are proven not to be so. Since Alyssa has passed I am finding that all of the other things that people tell bereaved parents they can expect, sadly and horrifically..e true: empty arms syndrome (a longing to physically hold your child); a loss of purpose and self worth (considering being a parent is the most amazing and purposeful job that you will ever have); intense moments of panic and fear; the list goes on...and on...and on and it grows every day. For me personally, lately it has been this utter lost and indescribable empty feeling. I find myself struggling to remember how I possibly whiled away the hours in the day before Alyssa passed. Not that my daily routine has changed much. In fact I am busier than ever before. Yet the day somehow moves by in eternal slow motion. In the rare moments when I have nothing to do or nothing to focus on, that is when the panic comes crashing in. It envelopes me and holds on tight. I am at that same moment consumed by a seemingly endless sense of emptiness. A type of emptiness that I have no words to describe. Every time it happens I am at that instant brought back to those last few minutes of Alyssa life. The moment she exhaled her last breath...the moment I quietly sobbed as my soul was screaming. The moment I lay there lovingly holding her, when at the same time everything inside of my wanted to be running down the halls screaming and destroying everything in my path. Yes, having my other two beautiful and amazing children help to keep me going. They do not, however, take away the feelings that I experience from losing Alyssa. Yes, I have found a new purpose. Raising awareness. Giving hope to other familes. Again...that does not take away the feelings of anger that I have because I could not give that hope to my own child. Yes, life does go on. It is different but it does go on. I am different too...and I am okay with that. I know my grief journey has just begun. With so many uncertainties in the future the only thing that is certain is that my feelings will continue to change and evolve...As will I.
Posted on: Wed, 09 Apr 2014 18:07:39 +0000
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