As some of you know, I had a pretty rough few years before I moved back. While it wasnt TOTALLY what the rumor mill may have said on occasion, it was for sure tough and challenging and worse than any nightmare u could have. But I want those close to me to know that through it all, I kept my strong unwavering values and principles and despite what anyone would or did say, I NEVER deviated far if at all from the core of who I am and what I stand for. Even tho what I stand for IS experiencing all the funny parts of life but in a way that doesnt compromise who u are. My grandfather said he collected stories and Ive always followed the same goals. Anyway, One day maybe after we are all gone youll know that and that possibility sustains me when I feel down about it all but trust me. I always strove even w things were darkest to make you all proud.... And of course, make you LAUGH as to me thats what its ALL about! When I moved home it was to get my health back in order from my autoimmune disorder. All the stress had me pretty much sick beyond belief and Im not one to usually share my struggles w folks but it got too bad for me to pretend I was all good in front of folks. On serious issues, its hard for me to talk about myself.. Again, on serious topics. Yall know my ADHD self will talk about me me me all day to entertain. Lol Im used to being the listener while others do but I myself feel HELLA uncomfortable when the questions are turned onto me. I mean HELLA uncomfortable. Yet I love LOVE being there for others. Of course that secretiveness backfires in the above mentioned rumor mill because it was obvious something was up and when u dont provide answers, folks are forced to assume and just guess, or worse get info from third parties whose motives may not be good or pure, so I TOTALLY understand the misassumptions Ive faced since being home from family friends and the already fertile rumor mill extraordinaire that is the gay community. U think a bunch of women are rough. Gay men are catty gossipy Petri dishes of gossip. Hell, myself included ironically. Anyway, as I was saying I cant blame those who assumed wrong because they only cared and were trying to get info in the only way I would allow. I even remember feeling guilty for making my mom worry because she could see I was down so rather than be a man and just talk I stayed away thinking out of sight out of mind. One of several Wrong choices that Ill regret until I die. Now the good news. Its been a couple years since I came back. And in my wildest dreams I never imagined things could not only change for good but become as great or even better than they were before. Back when i was overachieving award winning valedictorian Allen. When my path was golden and the skies blue and full of hope. I FEEL better physically than I have since high school. I have a car I love that hasnt been wrecked and looks horrible. Well I did get side swiped the other day by an old man but no biggie bless him. Scared him to death. I have my own home and 2 acres on Logan Martin lake. Yeah its a mess which is how I roll sometimes but is PERFECT for me. I am doing something Ive dreamed of doing since I was a kid. Yes its just community theater but it was my dream and be it an audience of 40 or 40000 I give it the same effort and it fills the void in my heart like nothing else. I also work a few days a week AT the theater doing marketing and helping w production and am learning the business side of theater which is invaluable. Thanks Kathy. I have friends who are AMAZING. I always tell folks that when u move to a new town join the theater and you will meet the BEST folks in town. Talented, kind, loving, brilliant and full of creative energy. And usually well connected so its a great networking opportunity to meet the rest of the town. I Had a couple walk up to me last night at the concert I worked at CEPA and they yelled out. Theres that duck hunter and preceded to tell me what my performance meant to them and how I was the funniest person theyd ever seen.That REALLY means so much. And most importantly, I have rebonded with my incredible family. It took a while to get myself back into the mix of their now hectic and different life but Im getting there more and more everyday and am, not to sound weird, falling in love with them. My niece played the biggest part in that as she LOVES her uncle Allen so everyone else followed her lead. And my mom. My sweet, giving and quite frequently annoying mom. We are soooo alike and sooo different. She REALLY doesnt quite get me most of the time but loves me anyway in her own unique and special way. She loads u up w groceries rather than hugging and saying I love you all the time, as her mom did, but the message is the same. I care. I love you. It took me a while to realize that as I am MR verbal and physical displays of Affection, but when someone loves you they show it in THEIR way so look for it and youll find it. However, i do have to tell her at times quit giving me groceries! I have enough!!! Lol. And the rest of my family... While I still find myself scared to DEATH to go to events because I think they all hate me or whisper about me, and recently oddly for my personality, I do get kinda agoraphobic like reclusive on occasion. I KNOW thats MY issue and trust me Im working on it. But God I love and miss them ALL daily. And also equally as important I have found something I NEVER thought I would... HOPE. Hope for the future. Hope for possibilities. Hope for the safety and security of the NOW. I owe that ALL to my mom. She took care of me ALOT when I was young and sick and now that I still battle this disorder daily as it progresses more and more and faster and faster, she still does and that makes me the luckiest guy alive. Today for some reason. Probably the cymbalta kicking in, lol I found myself feeling so good and happy and wanted to do what Ive been meaning to and sit down and say all this. I know to some of yall its another long Allen post but needed to be said and I mean every word. I love you ALL so much more than you could EVER know and truly thank God Daily for EACH AND EVERYONE of you. Whether Facebook friend or real Life friend, you are my angels and make me truly blessed. Thank you.hb
Posted on: Sun, 14 Dec 2014 17:28:11 +0000
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