As the month of October began, sorrow and pain in the depths of my heart and soul seemed to overflow me. My only thoughts were of Matthew and how do I live? My Heavenly Father reminded me that my Beloved Matthew and I, are His! In the days to follow, when I felt I wanted to just give up and wallow in my sorrow, I would choose to see the Infinite Grace of my Heavenly Father toward me. From the moment of my Beloved Matthew’s death, I began journaling my thoughts and all that I was experiencing. As painful as it was to take that journey through those darkest moments, days, weeks, and months I was reminded of the Infinite Grace of my Heavenly Father. My ultimate Infinite Grace of my Heavenly Father is my Beloved Matthew! July 1996 I would be placed on “bed-rest” for the duration of my pregnancy. I moved in with my parents and sister who lived in Harahan, just 5 miles from Ochsner where I worked. Over the next several months my mother would be sure I ate breakfast in the morning and make my lunch. My dad would drive me to work and pick me up. My amazing sister took care of everything else for me, my laundry, changing my bed linens, running errands for me, “entertaining” me by sitting in my room every evening and on weekends playing cards and watching movies. Then the evening of October 24th came I was only 7 months pregnant. Around 10:00 pm, I called for my sister. As I stood in the bathroom water was dripping down my leg. She said that is way too much, your water has broken. She went to get my mom and clothes for me. I was both overwhelmed with anxiety and excitement. I yelled for my sister, what is taking so long … my mom decided to take a bath. I was in disbelief … my mom is yelling “don’t ya’ll leave without me.” It was a three-ring circus! Twelve hours later my Beloved Matthew came into this world! During this time that I was staying with my parents, my mom was suffering. As we would come to find out, her cancer had returned. Matthew would come home December 1996. The next two months while I was getting up with Matthew, I would check on my mom. I was so blessed to share moments of praying with my mom. February 1997, she passed away. The next six months my dad developed a special bond with Matthew while we continued to live with him. April 1998 my dad would too be diagnosed with cancer and in November 1998 would pass away. Here is the demonstration of my Heavenly Father’s Infinite Grace. That I would be with child, that my pregnancy complications would place me in the home with my parents and sister, that the months of uncertainty during my pregnancy my parents and sister would so closely walk with me, that I would spend the last eight months of my mothers life with her every day, that I would have the same precious months with my dad before he too would pass, and that in the midst of what could have been viewed as a terrible journey in my life with the complications and uncertainty of my Beloved Matthew’s birth, God used it to give me time with my parents that I would have never otherwise had. My song at the beginning of October was “How Do I Live?” by LeAnn Rimes, but on my Beloved Matthew’s birthday my song is “How Can I Keep From Singing Your Praise” by Chris Tomlin. Every word in this song expresses my heart. As I sit this morning missing my Beloved Matthew on his birthday I sing from the depths of my heart this sentence “I can sing with my last breath sing for I know that Ill sing with the angels and the saints around the throne.” Yes I look toward the day that I will sing with my Beloved Matthew! So today as I recall the birth of my Beloved Matthew and how God used it to bless me with precious time with my parents and sister, I choose to celebrate the greatest display of my Heavenly Father’s Infinite Grace my Beloved Matthew! Yes my heart aches, there is much sorrow and pain, and I miss him so much! But…..my heart is overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness for the love, laughter, and joy that was experienced between Matthew and I over the years that my Heavenly Father blessed me with his life!
Posted on: Sat, 25 Oct 2014 16:24:47 +0000
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