As you may know, I am in college, and broke. Three days ago, I over-drafted my bank account. By a measly $0.02. And JP Morgan Chase just stuck me with a $34.00 overdraft fee. Yes, the same guys who begged the government to bail them out, with $25 BILLION of MY hard-earned tax dollars, has now refused to spot me two pennies for three business days. Theyll definitely be getting my two cents. Im literally so broke, that I have been on a strict diet of only popcorn for the past two days. As we all know, popcorn was invented by George Washington Carver to be food that accompanies fun. Now every time I floss, I am reminded of my shame. Popcorn is ruined forever. I am bad at cooking it, so its also been burnt-ish. I blame society. I would like to make you an offer. IF YOU ORDER ME A PIZZA, I will award you with one of the following personalized prize packages: 1) I will write you a personalized song, and upload a high-quality video of me performing it. Throw in breadsticks and Ill make a VH1 Behind the Music-style documentary. Add buffalo wings, and Ill perform it topless. 2) I will magic-marker your name on my fuzzy chest, and post an evocative selfie on Instagram. For notorietys sake, yes, of course I will tag you in the picture. Hey, Im not ashamed--Im all yours. Throw in breadsticks, and Ill include a risqué legs-in-the-bubble-bath pic. Message me if interested. Ill give you my deets, toppings preferences, one of these two prizes, and my eternal gratitude. Serious inquiries only, guys. I love you preemptively.
Posted on: Tue, 18 Nov 2014 22:04:32 +0000