August 14, 2014: WHEN YOU CAN FINALLY OPEN THE DOCTOR NOTES & READ THEM....IT TAKES NERVES OF STEEL. Yesterday while straightening up or attempting it, you could say, I finally brought myself to open up the manilla folder titled NAllen: current path not determined which was written across the top. I swallowed the knot in my throat and took a deep breath before I began to shuffle through the papers that held my sweet babys diagnosis. I had seen everything at the hospital back in July when we first found out about this monster trying to ravage his little body. Consequently, I chose not to really read over the words that looked like a complete blur to me, mainly because I couldnt see much from my frantic and constant flow of tears. I remember telling the doctor when he asked if I wanted to see the scans over again, I told you once that one time is enough and do not ask to show them to me again! Those images angered me and I couldnt stand the thought of seeing them again. However, they sent a copy of the disk with every single scan and document saved to it in with my paperwork from Clays discharge. That was July 11th & Im sure they had a reason why they did this. Maybe one day I will be able to view it. Maybe not. Reading the pages covered in black type was enough for now...it was actually too much to be honest. The disk would be like I was reliving those awful days over again and in depth---all the pain would have flooded me---destroyed my growth with this pain & causing me to have to begin again. Im not ready for that---to see the disturbing images of my baby and his tender little body---those monsters---everywhere. It would kill my soul. I do, however, look forward to the next set of scans and those will be welcomed disks---they will show the amazing hands of God at work. I know this because it is clearly apparent by the reduction of the tumor on his forehead! Its almost completely gone!! I know in the future when this terrible journey is complete and his body is healed completely and rid of this monster, he may ask to see where God brought him from and how He healed his beautiful tiny body---Only then will I choose to view the images held within the files of that disk. But for now, I choose to be stubborn and scared of seeing those images. I choose to put my faith in God and allow Him to continue His miracle-working in my sons body and life. After allowing myself to peer at the darkness of those notes, I placed them back into their vault--that sacred manilla folder that I now title NAllen: current path has been determined by God. I then closed my eyes, bowed my head and prayed for His strength to wash over me because this is the roughest time of my life---of Clays life. I prayed for peace. I know it is going to be tough and there will always be days that are harder than others but by the grace of God, its worth living and loving every single good and bad day to its fullest! God bless! #teamclayallen --Triss 💛
Posted on: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 04:58:03 +0000
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