August 6, 2013 8:49pm I held your hand, but it felt strange, it was getting cold and stiff. There is a crazy screaming in my head, so loud nothing makes any sense, but nothing comes out of my mouth. Nothing. The world has gone crazy and I can hear my mother on the phone behind me. ...she wont let go of the body. She was sobbing. Why is She crying? You are MY husband, so why is SHE crying? STOP Crying, STOP Talking, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP!!! Why is she calling you the body? NO!!! You are Kenny, My Husband, how can you be my husband one minute, and the body the next?!? NO, NO, NO, NO! You are still Kenny! Its not true, not yet, its not true until I let go, and Im still holding your hand. You arent dead if you are still holding my hand. Its not real if I dont let go.... Aug 6, 2014. Day 365. Cant believe its been a year, sometimes it feels like its been just a few days, sometimes its a lifetime ago. I have been such a train wreck this week, (Sorry Tom!) I thought for sure that I would wake up crying, memories of that final day playing in my head, as it so often does. But I did not. I woke up in Teresas bed feeling strangely content, peaceful and... Loved. I havent felt like this in almost two years. I couldnt help but think that Kenny had just been here, just left. Maybe if I had opened my eyes a little bit faster, I would have seen him. I got up and walked around our daughters house and was happy to see that a spattering of their decorations are some of his old things. It was strangely comforting and made me smile. As I walked around looking at the beautiful view, I was thinking that Tom would really like it here. ...My life has changed completely in the last Year, nothing will ever be the same. I feel like my children kept me going, kept me alive, but it was Tom that made me want to live again. It has been a terrible, wonderful, devastating, happy and confusing year for me. I think God knew I couldnt handle this alone, and sent Tom. Sometimes, I actually think that Kenny sent Tom. Craziness? Possibly. Who ever sent him, Thank you. I still have sad days, but not as often. Kenny will always be a part of me. I carry you with me, I carry your heart in my heart. RIP My Love. 2/3/1960-8/6/2013.
Posted on: Thu, 07 Aug 2014 04:40:17 +0000
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