Awww…The first day of school. Traffic was crazy, but it was worth it to see all the kids heading to Meyers. Especially those power walking with parents 7 feet behind them waiving cameras shouting “Wait! Wait!” That red aura of hate ray that shoots from a child’s eyes directly at an embarrassing parent is awesome. It can take the paint off your car. Every year I would do the first day of school celebratory dance. It was like liberating the Iranian Hostages at my house. And yes, I had a camera. Messing with the kids was my main form of entertainment. Except for the time we hung a Chuckie doll in the attic with butcher knives taped to his hands, the first day of the school was my favorite “crush the kids” day. Ok, Maybe Chuckie was a little out of control, but it was funny as shit at the time. My child who is traumatized to this day, and could not even walk into a video store for 15 years, for fear of seeing a picture of chucky on a box cover, disagrees. Anyway… I want to give a shout out to that very brave, 5ft tall, elderly woman who thinks that little red stop sign she waves is enough to stop the 2,000 pounds of steel I drive past her every day. The car is not the problem; it is the fact that it is fueled by my shitty attitude, which gets worse as the school year proceeds, that should worry her. I make no secret of the fact that I am not what you would call a “fan” of children and the older the kid, the more I want to lock them in a shed with a serial killer. The best part of my drive to work? The asstit who drove a blue van bearing a huge yellow School Students sign run a red light on Coal Street. I believe he was transporting handicapped children as it was marked “lift van” on the back. If anyone knows who to report him to, his license plate was SV15525. He stopped and then just decided he had stopped long enough and continued on. Well played sir. Enjoy unemployment. I love to see kids going to school. Watching Child torture (safe and legal torture…in case NSA is reading this, is my favorite past time.) Memories…you know I love them. P.S. Every parent should own a Chuckie doll…It makes bedtime friggin hysterical…in more ways than one. Y’all have a great day! Except the kids…they can just suck it up.
Posted on: Mon, 25 Aug 2014 15:13:42 +0000