BMT update #21 Day 32 It sits near us all... and one worry feeds it. Once it has one worry, it grows and leads you to another. When you leap to that next worry, it grows again. It will control your thoughts and lead your positive existence into one of darkness, worry, and anxiety. Its called... The Worry Bug- We use this analogy when we talk to Hannah. We use it when we need to explain that anxiety (on any topic) can take over and leave you feeling helpless... like you are paralyzed. We talk to her about NOT feeding the Worry Bug and we talk her off her ledges. Well somehow, the bug seeped through the cracks and without my realizing it, has grown and is overshadowing the victories that weve accomplished... or to be truthful, the victories that LUCAS has accomplished. Despite my efforts: conversations with God, expressing gratitude 50 times a day, embracing and engaging in giggles, dances, & snuggles, and the vivid tender moments that reflect a glimmer in those beautiful brown eyes... I have been unable to shed my fears. Im Afraid- Weve come so far... Correction... Lucas has come so far and Im just so afraid that its not going to work or that cancer will return. Now, I know, from the core of my being & from personal experience that negativity breeds negativity. It breeds itself until it shrouds all that you see... until you can only take in negative experiences. I feel like Im treading water here because Im so worried that after all of our treatments are done, that this horrible monster will return. There is absolutely nothing, that weve seen so far, to support this. Lucas has endured 4 rounds of chemo, shrunk a huge tumor into bits. Then moved on to a grueling and successful 9hr surgery where 95% of the tumor was removed and endured a 5th round of chemo to kill of any activity. After that, he was stripped of his bone marrow through even more (and heavy operating) chemo only to re-grow and regenerate new bone marrow & new blood with his own stem cell transplant... and is completely flourishing... gaining weight... happy... excited about thing all 4yr olds are excited about... gaining knowledge & preparing for kindergarten... Hes doing excellent!!! So, why am I so worried... paranoid... clouded with the darkness, despite the wonderful things happening around us?!?! I know the answer: Hes far too precious to lose... Hes far to wonderful to have to endure all of this again. So for now, until I can come back into the light, I savor my moments... I spoil him a little... I snuggle him more... I listen more... I touch his beautiful bald head and his adoring face more often. I dance more. I succumb to the drawn out bedtimes with tickles and kid jokes. I pick him up more and hold him closer... more often. Dear God - bring back my optimism. Remind me that weve come so far and that weve got You on our side and that we will always win... that Lucas will always win. I know this wasnt an easy read... It certainly wasnt easy to write. I just needed to write... for therapy... to purge... to hopefully rid myself of this bug so that I can come back to the present in a positive manner. Again, thank you for being here for us through thick and thin... fears and all. Love, red
Posted on: Sat, 17 Jan 2015 10:18:34 +0000
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