BUYING A BATHING SUIT TOO FUNNY!!!!!! Think we may have all been here! > When I was a child in the 1960s the bathing suit for the mature > figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as > engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job. > Todays stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a > figure carved from a potato chip. > The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the > maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming > away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disneys Fantasia, > or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store > trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer > range of fluorescent rubber bands. > What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice > and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The > first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the > stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I > believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which > gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself > into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking > a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. > I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder > strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared! > Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a > while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my > seventh rib. > The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature > woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a > speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror > to take a full view assessment. > The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted > those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out > rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of > Play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. > As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the > prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, Oh, > there you are, she said, admiring the bathing suit. > I replied that I wasnt so sure and asked what else she had to show > me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of > masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an > oversized napkin in a serving ring. > I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills > and came out looking like Tarzans Jane, pregnant with triplets and > having a rough day. > I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a > jellyfish in mourning. > I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I > would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. > Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a > shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, > comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search > had a successful outcome, I figured. > When I got it home, I found a label that read, Material might become > transparent in water. > So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water > this year and Im there too, Ill be the one in cut-off jeans and a > T-shirt! > Youd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life > isnt about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, > with or without a stylish bathing suit! > You cant change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying > over the future
Posted on: Wed, 07 Jan 2015 07:36:23 +0000
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