Bachelorette week 1 standings: 1. Andie Anderson: sorry Andi Dorfman. No matter how many gangs you put behind bars, youll always come in second place behind my favorite advice columnist from Composure magazine. 2. Holograms: if we can replicate Michael Jackson and 2-Pac, then I need--nay demand--a hologram Chris Harrison. Hologram Chris could make waffles with me, prevent strangers from showing up at my apartment, ask me how I feel about things. Balls in your court, scientists. 3. Clothing boutique shenanigans followed by prolonged walk on the beach: a Bachelor standard, but would it kill them to spice up the background music? Throw in some Colbie Cailat and Im in. 4. Yall: this seasons Its okay 5. Andis walk: part Frankenstein, part 80s robot. If shes wearing a back brace like Lisa Kudrow in Romy & Michelles High School Reunion, then I take it all back and now feel guilty. Its still hilarious, but guilty. 6. Macklemore: rapper turned personal trainer named Cody from Chicago. He continues to keep audiences on their toes. 7. Rudie the attorney: construction paper and a sharpie to present a horrible joke. I object! 8. Jason: speaking of awful jokes, mad props to Jason for proving once and for all, that doctors are not socially awkward in any way. Way to be clever with the whole I think you have a fever...because you look hot line. It was a sweet approach, however from one physician to another, some suggestions you might wanna try next time: 1. If youre not a diabetic, then why are you so sweet? 2. Do you have the Black Plague? Because Im gonna go medieval on that a$@ 3. Whats that in your eyes? Did you buy contacts to match your sparkle? 4. There have been recent outbreaks of mumps which explains why I get so swollen around you 5. Your smile is like c.diff--toxic and lethal 6. Bust out the defibrillator because the sight of you just stopped my heart 7. Whenever I talk to you, I get so nervous that it feels like a lump in my throat. Then again, I have a goiter so it could be that. Yeah, its probably the goiter. 8. You cant spell You and I without Andi. You also cant spell AIDS either. Just a reminder: get tested. Thats just good advice. 9. Pantsapreneur: only pants? What kind of pants? Slacks? Jeans? Corduroy? Only pants or do you include shirts? What about fancy jackets? Undershirts? Boxers? IM SO CONFUSED! 10. Creepy Chris: cornering the market on sketchy stalkers with roses aimlessly standing in a driveway since 2014. 11. Tell me about the family farm?: Cornering the market on enthralling conversations that begin with this question since.........yeah never. 12. Rudie the attorney (again): how can you send him home on the first day and NOT say Rudie....youre dismissed!??? Opportunity missed. Andie Anderson wouldnt have passed that up. Just sayin
Posted on: Tue, 20 May 2014 12:12:56 +0000
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