Balancing Act: Mother or wife? By yahooindia | SHE – 16 hours ago Share36Tweet Print 34-year-old Rajiv Shekhar (name changed) had been contemplating suicide for two months. Shekhar who had been married for less than a year, lives with parents and a younger sister and is caught between his wife and mother. Each time, he found himself forced to take sides and ended up offending the other. Things had turned into worse with his wife threatening to leave him if he doesn’t move out of the house and his mother siting old age and asking him to take care of his aged parents. As a result, he started slipping into depression and stayed out of the house as long as he could. His work suffered and he missed the promotion he was working hard for the last two years. Unable to carry the burden of worries anymore, Shekhar decided to end his life and confided in his best friend who directed him to the SamaritansMumbai helpline, an offshoot of Samaritans UK, and now a part of Befrienders India. Samaritans is a suicide prevention helpline. Sonal Panda, counselor at the Samaritans Mumbai reveals that she gets a lot of calls where domestic dispute is the main problem and more often than not, it is the men who are caught in between, “The caller had lost clarity of thought, and he was so bogged down with the domestic disputes that he was unable to tackle the problem. He blamed himself for it and that guilt was making him depressed. Understanding this, I helped him explore his options, covering the pros and cons of each situation and how a war of words can be avoided,” she says. To develop a strong relationship, the man has to do the balancing act, says Sonal. “It is important to prepare the ground before marriage. This is the key to ensure that both women have equally important and separate roles to play in your life,” she says as she gives few pointers men must follow. Anticipate and take care of the insecurities: Ensure that your mother shouldnt feel threatened because of the new woman in your life. Dont stop communicating with her just because you have a new person to talk to. Involve both of them: Your wife has left her parents, friends and sometimes country to be a part of yours and thus expects you to take care of her well. Involve your mother and ask her how she can help to make her comfortable. This will make her feel as a part of your life and the wife will see your mother as a pleasant facilitator and not an enemy. Never compare them: The kitchen is the most common war zone, but it need not be. Never compare ones cooking with the other and do not praise the ones cooking in front of the other. Appreciate and thank each one of them separately. Divide your time well: You love both the women and it is important that they dont feel insecure about the other. Establish an understood routine, have dinner with your mother, make her feel special and make sure to whisk your wife away for romantic getaways and dates. Watch what you are saying: Never lose your temper at one in front of the other. Do not exchange what one has said about the other. When both of them are arguing, encourage them to communicate and deal with it in their own way. Step into it only if it gets aggressive. Who can benefit from Samaritans? Apart from counselling people through the helpline, Samaritans has executed numerous outreach programs in various segments of the society. They provide extensive training to counsellor to be able to detach themselves from the problem and offer dispassionate advice. It has also recently collaborated with the Hiranandani Foundation School, Powai, under Sonal’s leadership. They hope to take this model across to more such schools. About 30 young volunteers, like Sonal, report at the Dadar office of the Samaritans once a week, as per their shifts (3pm to 6pm, 5pm to 8pm and 6pm to 9pm). The overlap ensures that someone is always available to answer calls from 3 pm to 9 pm. Each volunteer gives one day of the week, and one shift of three hours. Samaritans can be reached on: +91-22-6464-3267 +91-22-6565-3267
Posted on: Fri, 09 Jan 2015 01:29:00 +0000
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