Bankside Banter: A Hole in One...... .. .. Many years back, our very own chubby little hauler, who had the fatboy genes, much like old Dave Thorpe and Ian Poole, he could catch anywhere and would often cast several times, just to get his rig in the perfect spot and more often than not, minutes later, even after all the commotion of repeated casting, his alarm would soon be singing it’s song. Boy, young Andy sure could catch a few, but as often can happen when we are young and have a bit too much time on our hands, our minds can become quite mischevious and it appeared that one night when young Andy was “touching cloth”, he hopped over the fence, that separates the lake from the adjoining golf course and happily deposited last nights dinner, in one of the golf course’s holes.....Which to us, appears quite an skilful achievement in itself, however the controlling golf club did not take our view and young Andy was swiftly banned......What we never found out, was how on earth did they “finger print” our young chubby hauler, surely his downfall must have been down to his own shouting about his “hole in one”, drawing attention to himself, for we can only imagine the poor bailiff left with the responsibility of sifting through that “crime scene”, searching for clues........ SAS Style...... .. . Not strictly fishing this one, but for me, it was seriously funny to watch. For those that have seen Danny Dyer’s Hard Men (or something like that), he basically goes around the country meeting ex hard men, interviewing the criminals/fighters and getting a feel for the man behind the reputation. Well, in this one episode, Danny met an ex SAS dude and they went out into the woods to spend a night under the stars, so that Danny could get a feel, for what it was like for his subject, back when he was in the army. As they sat there discussing things, Danny said he was dying for the loo, so he was told to go and crap in the bushes....But before he went the SAS geezer gave Danny some clingfilm and told him to do his business in that....Poor old Danny was like “look, i can understand in a war situation having a dump in the clingfilm, so as to not leave any clues, but seriously mate, were in Epping bloody forest, i just can’t do it” and he called the production team to come and pick him up, seriously funny to watch, the look on Danny’s face..... . Priceless...... .. .. Location by Ivor Hernia....... ... . As close to the car park as possible!!!!.... . . . (Ooooooh Handbags...) Techno Freak - Chilly..... .. According to Chilly’s Diary in ACF, he is a Techno Freak!...... Now that would be a scary man to bump into whilst jostling through the crowd at some dark Techno Club, not only for the fact the big man is an ex army Para-Trooper and built like a brick wall, but i think in our inebriated state, that moustache, on a big, sweaty, vest wearing Chilly, prancing around to the beats, could be responsible for confusing our man that he was actually in a 80’s London G.A.Y club........ ... . It was scary enough when we bumped into Freddy Mercury and The Don Ritchie..... Iced Tea..... .. . Many years ago i was lucky enough to have a little bait deal with Heathrow Baits and i was in the incredibly fortunate postion to be able to pop into Heathrow HQ and speak to Ian and young Sam, face to face. Ian was always willing to give me 10mins or so, when i needed advice and his carp brain was always a pleasure to work with, his mind is so quick and anything he does not know, simply is not worth knowing, the man has done and seen it all. Now normally i would quickly drop in, have a little catch up, grab my bait and be on my way within twenty minutes at the most, especially seeing as Ian is one the hardest working men in the carp fishing world and i did not want to interrupt his working day too much, for Sam and Ian used to roll every single boilie for Heathrow by hand and so their working week really did consist of some serious hard graft. Anyway, wanting to do my little bit to say thankyou and to show my appreciation of all their advice and time over the years, one day when the office was abit quieter, i summonded up the courage to offer to make a brew for Ian, Sue and Sam. Ordinarily, quite a simple task and one that i have performed countless times, for i even got a badge at cubs for making a brew, so surely this was a task i could do to help out. Well all seemed well, as i rinsed the cups and poured the water into them, i added the required milk and sugar and drained of the tea bag, proudly passing over the brew to Ian and the others and returned to join in the banter. .....A few moments later Ian took a sip of his tea and nearly spat it out, he was like “Ugh, this tea’s stone cold”...... ... It appears i forgot to switch the kettle on!!..... .. . .Sorry dude... . . . Cheryl Cole or Sarah Millican?... .. . . Apparently, one local wannabe super star, who we shall call “Merry Idiot”, say’s his wife looks like Cheryl Cole...... .. .But our sources recently revealed, she was more like the comedienne, Sarah Millican....... ...Well, all we can say is.... . don’t worry dude, looks fade, but at least you can always have a laugh about it eh, he he.....(please remember this is bankside banter)...... .. . . Ben Dover..... .. . . It just so happens that many years ago, long before the “Merry Idiot” had met his future wife (the Cheryl Cole look alike), our hero was caught in the act by none other than Jon Birtwell. It was rumoured that Ian had been seeing the young lady who lived in the property next to old Marchwood Lake and had been “getting to know her”, whilst his rods were out, when Birty stuck his head in the Bivvy!!!.... . . Apparently, Birty started living up the lake, in the hope of a reoccurrence, he was always ready..... .. This time with video in hand!!!!... Oh Birty, you are Dirty.... . Zipped Balls..... .... Whilst fishing Little Hatchet many years ago, i had a little accident that left my eyes watering. All i remember, is being stood by a bush, answering a call of nature, when my alarm gave out a few bleeps and so i quickly zipped myself up, obviously taking my eye of the ball (quite literally) and ended up with parts of me, stuck in the zipper!... . . My God!, i have never been in so much pain, as i tried to somehow undo myself, but it was stuck fast and i had visions of me, having to pack up and walk back around to the van, to drive to hospital, to try and get my anatomy removed from my zipper. In the end, after phoning the Mrs, i decided to brave it out and gave it the biggun, slowly but painfully, i did manage to release the beast and seemingly undamaged, bar a small cut and some soreness..... . .. The lesson... .. Never panic when you get a run..... . ... *Please note, these stories maybe based on real events or created for the benefit of entertainment. *No animals were harmed during this production.
Posted on: Mon, 11 Nov 2013 01:05:24 +0000