Because You Loved Me - Our Wedding Song -Validation that writing to you is working came today in the form of our song. I write throughout the week. Things that I say to you, things I hope you hear. I was just thinking about our wedding song as I was writing. I was immersed in my thoughts when all of a sudden our song came on the radio. A confirmation that you are still with me. Thank you for that. I needed it. I just realized that our song is sung in past tense. We never even questioned it when we selected it all those years ago. Maybe the world was speaking to us. Maybe it wasnt. It doesnt matter anyway. Day 28 - Even though this is our first anniversary, in my heart I know there will be 80 more to come, till death do us apart. Love Always, James. Written by you to me on our one year anniversary. If I was given the choice to do it all again, knowing all that I know now, knowing I would lose you way too early, I would. I would say YES a million times. Do you know that? Brandon, Briana and I were talking the other day. The topic turned to all the things planned for senior year. Senior sunrise, senior sunset, senior beach trips. Briana asked Brandon if there had been any senior beach trips yet. He answered, yeah but one was a couple of days after dad died His voice trailed off a little when he said it. The words stung. I never imagined our kids ever having to say those words, not now. Some sweet friends of ours offered to get 3 teddy bears made from your clothes when we are ready. I started thinking about the t-shirts we made for football games. I thought maybe it would be a good idea to have one of the bears made from that shirt. You wore it to every game. I looked and looked and couldnt find it. I realized you were wearing it the night you died because the next morning, after work, you were going to meet us in Oceanside for a passing league game. I have never wanted that shirt more. You were prepared to cheer for your son and the rest of the team. Life is so unfair, so unpredictable. There are parts of grieving that no one tells you about. Theres the guilt. Not the usual I should have made you drive the car that night or if I had just held you a couple of minutes longer kind of guilt. Instead its guilt that I didnt love you enough, show you enough. That I hurt you too many times, picked too many fights. I kept you in line when you goofed off, I should have let you play around more. I dont think you really understood how much I truly loved you. I should have done a better job. I cant turn back the clock, I dont get a do-over. It can be unbearable. We have been able to push thru some incredibly hard moments. Not sure how, all I can say is that we wanted to honor you and be closer to you. So regardless of how difficult it was or is we will do it for you. We were allowed to see you one last time at the hospital. I ran my fingers thru your hair and kissed your forehead. I caressed your unshaven cheek. The kids hugged and kissed you too. We needed to see you one last time, we needed to say goodbye. We spoke at your service. It was a blur but we did it, for you.We went to see your bike. We brought back your jacket and some bits of your bike. I picked up your ashes. I thought about having someone else do it but it didnt feel right. I was scared and nervous and when they led me to the candle lit room, to the box wrapped in a velvet bag, I couldnt help but think, thats it, this is all of him? They let me have a moment and I sat there just staring at you, crying, I held you and then after a few moments, I carried you out. As soon as we were in the car I put on your favorite radio station, 105.3. I just kept thinking how you had been listening to the somber classical music at that mortuary and you were probably tired of it. Silly I know, but I had it on really loud the whole way home. For you. Life is short, everyone knows that. You only live once so live life to its fullest, we know that too. But the true meaning behind those words I dont think we really get. You had a free spirit. There was very little you wouldnt do. You got on all the roller coasters. Even the questionable ones. You bungee jumped and you wanted to sky dive. Because of you I am going to try and put more of my fears aside and just live. Just do. But not for the obvious reasons, not for me but for our kids. I am going to do it because now, as we sit here missing you, we remember all of it and smile. We share stories and laugh. I am going to live life because I know that how you lived your life left a huge impact on us. Because of your way, we have memories to hang on to. I am going to be and do the best I can because I want to leave memories for our kids, our family and friends. Because I know that in my darkest times I cling to those memories and thru the tears I remember you fondly and I smile. True love doesnt lie in the perfection of it but rather the imperfection of it. Because thru the struggles, we fought. We fought for each other and we grew closer, stronger, truer, together. I see that now. I understand it now. Completely thru the sadness. Losing you taught me the meaning of love. One of lifes toughest lessons. My broken shattered heart misses you terribly, loves you to no end. I hope you can hear me. I was blessed to have you in my life. Even more blessed to have been loved by you. You always told me that no one would ever love me more than you loved me. I think you were right. But I also know that no one will ever love you more than I loved you. I love you babe - always and forever.
Posted on: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 23:25:41 +0000
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